30 weeks

First off, I feel I need to start with a bit of a caveat in regards to my last post.  It's rare that I act on an impulse to write something that I know may come off a bit wrong and on this particular occasion I just felt the need to write it out.  I hope I didn't offend anyone and if I did, well, can I just play the crazy pregnancy card?  Thanks.

Ok, moving on...this is the big one guys.  The big 30 week milestone.

and when I say big, I mean it...

Looking ahead I knew that these next few weeks were going to be a mix, a wealth, a downpour of emotions for me.  Now I'm in the thick of it and  am glad I at least gave myself a tiny heads up.

Because despite getting the green light this go around this is time that things have fallen apart in both of my previous pregnancies.  With Ainsley my 30 week ultrasound found my dang short funnelled cervix and with Louise an off the cuff fetal fibronectin test at 30 weeks found me to be at high risk for a preterm delivery.  So of course this 30 week mark is a bit scary for me.  I pay attention to every normal twinge and pain more than a "normal" pregnant woman would.  I panic every other day and guzzle water and lay down for a half an hour when I'm sure that cleaning frenzy earlier was too much, or carrying Louise up the stairs will of course send my body into labor.  I expected all of this.  This is the normal part for me.  What I didn't expect is how optimistic, calm and hopeful I still remain.

see? this is me, post 30 week checkup, all cool and collected, and very very rotund

I know I know, panic and calm don't really seem to go hand in hand.  But rewind 2.5 years to the 30 week mark and THAT My friends is panic. Not this.

This?  This is knowing my body.  This is trusting my body.  This is feeling so blessed and calm that right now this baby is about 3 pounds, big and strong enough to face together whatever these next few weeks brings.  This is knowing with full certainty that I, as a mother, can handle whatever these next weeks bring.  This is feeling stronger than I ever have, despite having trouble swinging my legs out of bed.  This is the peace of knowing that in about two months, one way or another, our family will be complete.

And along with those brief moments of panic and woe, come just as many bursts of exploding excitement.  How I still have not had one moments' dread about the birth.  I remain so incredibly excited to experience bringing this baby into the world, in our home, with my family by my side.  How I simply cannot wait for that moment when I pull that baby up to my chest, gaze into those tiny smushed up eyes, and meet my new son or daughter for the first time.

My mind has been spinning lately.  So anxious to get to this point, and beyond.  So desperate for "normal" yet thankful for the extraordinary that I believe has allowed me to enjoy this pregnancy all the more.

Of course I won't truly rest easy until 37 weeks, if I'm resting really at all by then, but making it here, in one solid piece, is such an incredible blessing.