Big Baby Girl

At the parent night at Ainsley's playschool I sat down with other moms and dads and listened as our big kids' new teacher talked.  She's vivacious and funny, pretty low key and candid the whole time.  After joking about "who wants to be a room parent?  you KNOW you do!" and "oh man, I'm supposed to tell you about fire drills" she stopped, looked us all calmly in the eyes and said "the transition from 3-4 is WAY harder than the terrible twos".

We were all captivated.  She explained how hard this age is.  How our little ones are turning into big people with all of these feelings and thoughts and learning how to deal with that all can be really really difficult.  When they were two if someone took their toy away they maybe cried, but were easily directed somewhere else and quickly forgot about the issue.  Now?  they wonder why their friend took their toy.  Does that mean they don't like me anymore?  WHY DON'T THEY LIKE ME ANYMORE?!?!

Well we're right there.

Our big Ainsley girl has been struggling.  Struggling as all kids do sometimes.  Struggling to listen, to learn compromise and disappointment, struggling to find a place for her own strong voice in the midst of mom and dad's steadfast rules.

We truly honestly have tried just about everything we can think of.  Time outs, consequences, loss of privileges  quite calm down time, long drawn out talks, drawing, singing, pounding play dough, screaming at the top of our lungs into a pillow.  But this time?  None of it seems to be working.

Today was especially hard.

We had our block party which is always a special day of fun.  While I spent the morning flipping donuts in hot oil at the farmer's market Ian corralled the girls outside our house, keeping one eye on Ainsley with all the big kids in the jumpy house and the other on Louise playing with one or more of the 6 other toddlers on our block who are exactly her age.  When I arrived just in time for lunch things were going well.  We all noshed on yummy hot dogs and tiny bags of fritos and came home for well deserved naps.  Only Ainsley didn't nap.  She snuck out of her room (a real feat with our creaky doors and floors) found the ipad and brought it to her room.  Instead of napping she watched a few pbs shows, something she knows she's not allowed to do.  So we started the afternoon exhausted and cranky, but determined to have fun we marched on.

I'll spare you the details, but the afternoon was hard. On many ocassions Ian and I found ourselves "trading off" when the other had had enough and needed a break from the disciplining and the explaining and the whining, screaming even.  Somehow we still managed to have fun.  Eat delicious dinner potluck and play, kids and adults alike.  Then bedtime came and all hell broke loose.  Ian had had enough so I stepped up.  Took three calm breaths and entered her room.  We had a big long talk lying in bed.  My big girl nodded as she heaved and cried, then slowly climbed into my lap so that my arms cradled her like a baby.

"Mama?" She interrupted.   "yes Ainsley girl"  "Mama, it's just that I don't want to be with you all the time anymore.  I just want to be with my friends.  I'm sorry."  I started to say something about how it's ok to want to be with her friends, that she's growing up and that's normal and wonderful, when her little voice piped up again "but mama, I don't want to grow up.  I just want to stay a baby forever."

Tears welled up a bit in my eyes as I heard my girl's contradiction.  As it all dawned on me so clearly for the first time.  Life is SO hard right now with Ainsley, for Ainsley, because she's stuck right in the middle of baby and big kid.  She half still really needs us, needs a good baby arm cradle and snuggle and owie kiss every once in a while, but most of the time?  She wants to be 13, or at least 8.  She wants to ride a big kid bike and play make up with the neighbor girls on their front steps.  She doesn't want to need me but she does, she wants to need me, then she doesn't.

So tonight, I shelved my own frustrations and found a patience and understanding that has been lacking the past few days.  I saw in by big girl's brown eyes, that sweet little baby, who for all her independence and defiance needs and loves her family so dearly.

Instead of talking anymore I cradled her closer and we prayed.  I prayed out loud for help getting through this, for calmness and understanding for us all.  It was one of those good long prayers that you feel with your soul, and I know Ainsley felt it too because she closed her eyes and nuzzled her face closer to me.  When I finished Ainsley said "Mama, I want to pray now too."  She started and stopped, unsure of what to say.  So we sang a prayer together instead because what my Ainsley girl can't find the words for in speech she can always find in song.

In that moment so many things became clear to me.  I was at the end of my parent rope and somehow, with my big baby girl in my lap, we found answers together.

Tonight I am feeling exhausted, but thankful and so incredibly hopeful.  Tonight I'm saying an extra prayer of thanks and one more for all those other parents who need a helping hand tonight.  It's a tough job we have, probably the toughest, but figuring it out together, and helping our wonderful little people grow into the big amazing people we know they can be, makes it all worth it, again an again, over and over.