Great Moms

What a great day. FINALLY a crystal clear blue sky crisp air fall day.

It's actually been a great string of days. I can't exactly describe it, but it's as if a cloudy veil has been lifted from my eyes. I've been trying to figure out what it is exactly, the return of my energy and optimism, general zeal for life. I have to say I think I'm finally getting the hang of this whole "being a mom" thing.

Don't misunderstand me, I still have my moments of complete despair and overwhelming-ness at life and the responsibility that being not only an adult but a mom brings, but in general I am feeling so much more like the person, the mom that I want to be, and less like a misplaced impostor.

Thus far in my life I have abided by the "just take a deep breath and dive in" rule of thumb. This namely has been applied to college, finding a job, getting married, and now Ainsley. I just knew that these were all things that I wanted so I did them and figured that the details would work themselves out. I think sometimes in life you have to trust your instincts and take a leap of faith. This has always worked in my favor until recently. Getting married to Ian was something that felt so natural to me that it truly didn't feel like this huge life altering thing, but more a natural and wholey pleasant progression in my life. I blindly assumed that having a baby would be the same way.

Being pregnant with Ainsley was the easiest thing. Sure I had to pee more and tums were my new best friend, but even the 3 weeks of bedrest flew by with my attentive husband and family by my side and endless Christmas movies and knitting to attend to. When Ainsley was born I think I was seriously in shock for not just hours, but weeks. I loved her dearly but I don't think it was until she was almost 2 months old that it finally started to sink in that this little sweet screaming baby was here to stay.

I laugh now looking back at how frantic I was. Going to the grocery store was the BIGGEST deal! Today we were out for 3 hours with nothing but a sippy cup and my running spandex and it was glorious.

What I'm getting at is having Ainsley has completely jarred my life in ways I never thought possible. I know I've written about lack of privacy in the bathroom, amongst other things that have changed in my life, but it's more than that. Up until this point I have been living for me, and I guess Ian too...but now I am Ainsley's mom. Wrapping my mind around that has been more overwhelming that I could have ever imagined.

I think the reason behind my seemingly sudden burst of energy and motivation is that I'm finally ready to truly take that challenge on.

I have the best mom. I realize it more every day that I am alive. She is strong and wise and warm and kind. I never thought that I could be her, and I can't, because I'm not. I'm just me, an introverted, crafty, whiny, cheery, talkative, active, neurotic, homebody girl/wife/mom. I'm learning to start taking what makes me great and use it to make me great as a mom.

It's hard doing crafts with a 10 month old, but we're working on it. Ainsley sure does loves pulling apart my box of crayons. That's a start.

Babies are such a test, well at least Ainsley is. She brings out the worst of me and I hope, the best. I love that little girl more and more every day. Sometimes it aches to put her to bed. I just want one more look, one more brief (because it's all she'll allow me) snuggle. I am so blessed to be able to be at home with her every day, watching her grow and learn, especially now that I feel so empowered to be a great mom.