Changes

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote this...

When my kids were babies, people liked to tell me that the intensity of nursing one baby while another sat on belly holding a stack of books would naturally ease up when the kids were older and more independent. And that school would crack open an expanse of time in which “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” I always cringed at that sentence.

Our daily routines feel more intense today than ever before. Everything is bigger: our children, our grocery bills, our laundry piles, our social calendars, our needs, our responsibilities, our worries, our joys. Sometimes I dream about having those baby days again. As a new mom, I found a content stride and purpose I hadn’t perviously known. Everything felt dreamy and safe with my kids dangling from my torso 24/7. I was good at it and I loved it. I wasn’t even sure I’d ever have kids and then I wanted to breastfeed forever and quit my career to pursue work that allowed me to wear babies all day. Time measured in carrot purées, walks around the block and writing for giant chunks of time during my daughters’ naps.

Oh, that rose-colored hindsight. I know those early days weren’t easy but they feel like they were now that we are navigating things like peer influence, increasingly full after-school sport schedules and pushback over earrings that I find *too* dangly. Also: the fact that my kids have outgrown my wingspan. They fly on their own, sometimes out of sight. But always on my radar, my chickens. Always.

      Nici Holt Cline (digthischick.net)

I couldn't have written somehting truer about life currently myself.

As we fast approach Felix's, my baby's!, FOURTH birthday I find I have so many emtions running through me.  We knew almost from the moment he was born that our family was complete.  I knew to savor those baby and toddler days even more knowing they were our last.  Growing is so bittersweet all the time.  I really had no idea what a ride we were getting on just over 8 years ago.  An unpredictable never ending ride of raising children and being parents.

I've realized that part of why I've stopped blogging so much is that it's stopped feeling ok to write about my kids and my struggles as a parent.  It's been really rough since we've moved, harder than it's ever been.  I knew if I came on here I'd gush and that didn't feel right.  Their stories are becoming their own.

Ainsley is 8 which seems so old.  If she had her way she'd spend all her home time biking around the neighborhood buidling fairy houses and making clubs with friends.  She believes so much in magic and is still so innocent in so many ways.  I love that so much and am glad she's been thus far pretty unaffected by peer influences.  For all our struggles with that girl she's one of the strongest people I know.  When I can step back and remember that I'm completely amazed by her.

Louise has really come into her own this past year.  Just this morning she said, "Mom?  What does a crush mean."  "It's means you like someone, usually in a different way than how you like your friends or your family." "I thought so.  Well, I have a crush on Evan,"  Then she blushed! and giggled! in such a sweet way that I knew it to be true.  My girl has her first real crush.  How sweet.  It makes sense for our Louise.  Her whole first grade class is one big gaggle of friends.  She's sobbed the few times she's had to miss school this year.  She LOVES it.  She is super into doing her work and is so on top of everything.  She still loves art so much and is most happy when coloring or writing or reading one of her new chapter books or playing with friends.

Felix is such a great little guy.  He's totally into super heroes and playing pretend, soccer and swinging.  Most recently he loves listening to jazz music with me and trying to pick out what instrument is playing.  He loves doing everything his big sisters do and takes really good care of himself.  He's so proud to be able to do so much for himself and third child, I am glad to let you.

I feel like I may always mourn those baby days.  They were so special.  It makes it even more magical that it was in Oak Park, this idyllic urban village, in so many ways. It's easy to over romanticize that time of life, still it's hard to let go.  Being home all day doesn't feel as good as it used to.  Home used to be where the action was! Now it's starting to feel lonely.  I really relish my alone time but find I'm this odd balance of introvert and extrovert.  I really miss my connections in Oak Park and seeing friends every day.

I'm still finding my rhythm here.  I'm trying to relax and enjoy Felix's last preschool years with him home and trusting that my new path will make itself clear to me soon.  

Catch Up

Well hey there! It's been a while.  I finally got my act together and cleared off my computer and phone so I can take more/post more photos.  Yay!

So to catch up...

 

Christmas Fest at St Olaf with mom (Ian and Ruth too)

(the tiniest cousins, but not for long! notice that bump behind Rory?)

 The last 8th floor Macy's visit ever. I'm so sad, but so glad we got to go one more time!

 winter break bliss

winter days, school projects, walking errands, lots of time with my little man (who only wears shorts and t shirts and his cubs baseball hat!) life is good and fuller than ever

Family Fun Day for Skijammer with Ainsley.  This girl can ski anything now.  It was so fun to spend the day with her and Pop (on his 61st birthday no less!) 

Now we are looking forward to Spring, though we just got a good few inches of fresh snow last night.  The kids are SO excited for Florida in 3 weeks, me too.  Just yesterday Felix and I found thrifted sandals for everyone.

Hopefully I'll be here more regularly now.  I miss it!

Thirty Three

What a year it has been.

After the flurry that was moving and settling in and a summer so full with my little people dare I say we are starting to feel truly settled.  This wonderful home that we've found is taking shape.  I'm starting to get antsy to change the few things I'd wanted to and the first few repairs have been made helping us learn more about this 50+ year old house.

I am more excited than ever for spring.  Now I know the beauty that is to come in the yard and am as determined as ever to maintain and improve it.  I planted garlic for the first time last fall and am SO excited to see that sprout.  I'm thinking of motivating to make some starts inside the house this year.  The few things I was able to can were so enjoyed this winter.  I'd love lots more of that this next year.

But enough about all that.  I'm 33! Closer to 35 now than 30.  I still feel 28 inside.  How is that?  I've had a hard time getting into my groove here.  So much of my energy has been spent on the kids, getting them acclimated and trying to keep this much bigger home in order.  I find I'm most excited this year just to get back to what worked so well for me in those younger mom years in Oak Park.  Planning our days and our meals well, using our time together as best as we can.

I look around me and notice the other women I encounter.  Many have jobs and children.  It can be hard for me to not feel insufficient sometimes.  I am so happy to be able to be home with my kiddos.  They need a lot still.  Now that Felix is in school three mornings a week for 3.5 hours each I am starting to see a glimpse of what is to come.  I find myself noticing opportunities more.  Part time florist at the locall shop.  Subsitutes needed at preschools.  Tutors needed for middle school English. Part time activities director at a local nursing home. I've been a mom for so long part of me has forgotten about the other things that I can do and right now it feels scary to even consider comitting to anything else.  I hope that changes.  I feel like I'm yearning for more someday soon.

Right now that feeling for more is being chanelled into making.  I am so thankful for some wonderful gifts I received for my birthday to help with that.  I've been stocking up at the thrift stores to make lots of old favorites, pillowcase nightgowns and lap quilts, potholders too.  I've been meaning to try my hand at some sewn art for a while now.  There are a few blank wall spaces just crying out and the phrase "why not!" keeps taunting me.

The why not right now is purely tied up in my motivation.  I've been struggling all year with those after lunch hours and am determined to figure them out in my 33rd year.  Felix is my first preschooler to have completely dropped his nap (excepting on weekends with Ian) and I'm at a complete loss.  He is so zonked after preschool but won't sleep and while I hate letting him watch things for rest time I'm not sure what else to do.  When he plays he plays rambunctiously and that little body needs a rest, me too!  I'm hoping to start using that time to sew.  Maybe my little guy will get used to hanging with me and the fabric like his sister's used to.

For my 33rd year I see me focusing more on me, in the hopes of being able to have more energy for others.  I've been so wrapped up in the kids and my struggles with the move and anxieties and i'm ready to put that all behind and look forward.  I forced myself to start tunning again, on the treadmill which I hate, but I'm doing it 3-4 days a week and that with the yoga has helped my energy so much.  I'm drinking more water, not eating after dinner, and in general just trying to be more mindful of wha tI put in my mouth. It's helping and I'm optimistic.

So aging so far isn't so bad.  I'm excited for what's to come this year.  An almost 2 week trip to Florida soon, a summer up at the cabin (now that I can drive us there on my own!) Lots of time spent in the garden and outside after a long snuggly winter.  I'm loving it here.

To 33! and beyond!

January

Oh January.  I'm struggling with you.  As usual I am so sad that Christmas is over and so wishing Christmas were still to come.  We had a wonderful holiday but it seemed to go to fast.  I find myself already looking forward to next year.  I really want to do a homemade holiday again.  I loved that so much.

Even so there are so many wonderful things ahead for this winter.  The first is Ainsley's skiing.  She's doing a ski program that runs for 8 Saturdays.  I was a bit nervous dropping her off for that first day last weekend but she had a blast and did so great and after 9 hours away from us hopped off the bus no problem.  Relief! and Excitement! She's LOVING skiing.  I'm excited to watch her grow.

Louise is loving first grade.  Her class this year is pretty boy heavy so the 7 girls have become really tight.  She comes home laughing with stories every day and cried the one day she had to stay home sick because she missed school so much.  Looking back to a year ago this time I'm SO thankful for her happiness at school.

Felix is still my little buddy.  I've had a hard time shaking off that his preschool years look a bit different from his sisters.  He loves school so much but outside of school our lives are much quieter.  No musikgarten or library storytimes, no neighborhood playdates.  I reason with myself that he's my third and that seems to be different across the board.  He and I both need those few quiet mornings we have left before sisters come off the bus and activites gear up.  He is SO excited for a preschool soccer class he's taking later this month.  I'm thankful for my easy going sweet boy.

I have been so thankful for the yoga program I jumped on 4 weeks ago now.  I can hardly believe I've made it 4 weeks without a break!  I still wish the weather would cooperate to make some outside running easier, but mostly I'm really satisfied just getting something in every day.  Plus yoga feels SO GOOD.  It's just what this almost 33 year old body needs.

New Year

Christmas and New Years look a little different now than they used to.  There's no long traveling days and flurried packing and sadness leaving our tree on it's own hundreds of miles away.  But there's also no full week off for Ian.  He's loving his new job but the time off is built up so these first years are feeling tight on long family vacations.  We'll get there.

In the meantime I get this week to myself with the kids.  Right now that means staying up while Ainsley putzes around in her room until almost 11 and getting up with Felix at 6:20 to help him find his new favorite batman mask and costume because he just can't start the day properly without them (I get it bud, for me it's coffee and a plan).

To be honest I'm excited about this week.  The kids got so many wonderful new things to do and play with.  We spent all day yesterday (the day after Christmas) building and creating and napping (for me!).  I read 1/3 of the first Harry Potter book to the girls and if Ainsley had her way I'd have read the whole thing straight through. (When Louise woke up this morning she told me excitedly about a great dream she had about Hagrid...success!)

I LOVE seeing their interests so honed in on this Christmas.  Ainsley is particularly enamored with all of the doll goodies and medical things she received.  From Santa she got the American Girl diabetes kit and arm crutches and from her Aunt she got a playmobile hospital and between those two she was occupied for 5 hours yesterday.  Louise's favorite so far is a paint set she received from Grammy.  The paintings look so professional and her hands are adorably stained from her hard work. She's also IN LOVE with her new Wellie Wishers doll Emerson. As I mentioned Felix is SO into his new superhero duds.  It's so funny to me that Ian and I made this little uber boy.  Santa brought him the Millenium Falcon, that plus his new Rescue Bots, giant Firetruck, and read aloud super hero books are pretty much all he wants in life.

I feel odd not having a knitting project on my needles at the moment.  I have a few baby things I could knit, and I've been wanting to make myself a winter hat, but for some reason the motivation to start isn't there.  I'm putting a lot of my mental energy towards this yoga program I'm doing, that and trying to stay away from sugar and treats to up the effectiveness of the daily yoga seems about all I can muster!

Ian got me Molly on the Range for Christmas and I want to make nearly everything in it.  This woman and her recipes appear to be the combination of everyone and everything in my life.  Born in the north suburbs of Chicago (my parents!) to a Jewish mother (Julie and Sim and Rory) and a Chinese dad (yum cuisine!) moved to New York for school, married a Scandinavian man (Ian + his entire side of the family), moved back to midwest (north Dakota/Minnesota) and currently lives on a chicken farm writing her food blog (pretty much my life dream).
Ian's hankering after the cauliflower shawarma and I'm super excited about the wild rice hot dish, homemade dumplings, and Israeli Shakshuka, among many other things.

I'm still really trying to revamp my meal planning, mainly sticking to the meal plan.  It's been really hard to shake the take out habit.  By the end of the week I am so over cooking and cleaning up after cooking that pizza just sounds so much easier.

I'm slowly remembering that keeping simple pantry staples is enough to throw something together most nights.  Last night I made crepes stuffed with leftover ham from Ainsley's birthday and roasted cauliflower, from the veggies tray on her birthday, topped with a simple cheese sauce (recipe for that and the crepes from my Moosewood cookbook).

I've really liked having a soup in the fridge for easy healthy lunches this winter.  Yesterday I made a batch of lentil soup (also from moosewood) and love that it was so simple (made just from pantry ingredients) and super healthy.

Today I am hoping for a slow morning, getting a few things done, getting out a bit, and lots of fun family together time.

I hope you all have a great week bridging these two fun holiday weekends!

Christmas week

I was up with Ian this morning, a rarity for me.  Now it's 6:30 and I'm showered and checked email and had coffee, and...now what?

December has been great so far.  Lots of fires and treat making, snow playing, book reading, wrapping paper making, things in Santa Mug sipping.  It's perfect.

I am so excited for Christmas this weekend. I'm like a  kid at Christmastime.  I love the excitement and the surprises and all of the anticipation and preparation.  This year my one big regret is not planning better with Ainsley to help her make gifts.  That girl has such loft expectations (trying to sew shirts for everyone!) I want to help her achieve her goals of giving in a realistic way for us both.

One thing I'm loving this year is letting go even more of having to do it all in time for Christmas.  Everyone will have something to open. We will all have PLENTY of treats.  But the decorated gingerbread may have to change into stars to make a January garland (or hearts for Valentine's day?!) The Christmas theater outing will have to be a late winter outing (I do HAVE To find a Nutcracker that won't break the bank for next year though, the girls were disappointed).  I don't have to buy and wrap every single great idea I had.  I can save things for when they need them, remembering that it's so fun a special to get things "just because" throughout the year.
I'm even trying to let go of Ainsley's birthday a bit.  She's reached the age where she's a bit sad that her birthday is shared with Christmas so we're waiting on her friend party until later in January.  I think it will be a good thing for us all.  Letting go.

This week is shaping up to be full but manageable (I hope!) Felix's preschool program yesterday was adorable and today and tomorrow are the girls' holiday parties in the afternoons.  I've spent the morning looking up some last minute crafts that the kids could make because Ainsley is desperate so I may go get some supplies with Felix today.  Last minute elving is the best!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas week!

Too Long! Fun New Food

I cannot believe that it has been over a month since a post.  Oops.  The truth is that my tiny macbook air is full and my phone is full and I just need to motivate to clear everything off so that I can take photos again.  Sad but true.  Well that and this new medication is making me feel so sleepy that I have no extra energy for anything.  Well, it's either the medication or the three children.  I feel like either way I'm in trouble.

I am so incredibly excited that it is December. But first! Thanksgiving....we had a wonderful holiday. We started the festivities with traditional soup dinner at my mom's the night before, all 18 of us. The next say we hosted here at our house.  Ian's family came, grandparents and all.  It was such a calm wonderful celebration.  I used the convection setting on our oven and our turkey was done in 2 hours.  Amazing.  The kids enjoyed watching the parade on TV in the morning (thank goodness for our free satellite TV over and over again).  We ate by 1 and then sat by the piano and sang and played and talked.  We enjoyed a quiet evening just us 5.

And now Christmas.  I have always been such a believer, such an enthusiastic supporter of this holiday.  I love most everything about it.  The excitement, the anticipation, the magic, the meaning.  I LOVE giving presents.  I love baking and sharing love and wondering what's to come.  It can feel like a lot to fit into a few short weeks, especially with Ainsley's birthday and full weekends and all of the normal school/after school stuff.  This year I'm thankful to have done most of my shopping early.  I feel like I can relax and focus on the making which is my favorite part.

I'm almost done with the body of Louise's sweater and hope to have that done soon.  I bought yarn to make a few simple felted projects as gifts so I'll have to motivate for that soon.  I have one or two simple sewing projects to do for Christmas, nothing for the kids though.  I'm realizing I love just making things as they need them or request them.  I think new dresses for the girls are on the docket soon.

I've been loving a new cookbook I found at the thrift shop.  It's all Christmas cookies and I earmarked 22 recipes that sound appealing so I'm hoping to work my way through some of those.  I love trying new recipes.  The excitement that I may find a new favorite is addicting.  Yesterday I tried some toffee squares and cream cheese cresents.  They were both really good.  This week I'm hoping to do some gingerbread and some iced orange cookies I found.

And in other food related news I'm on another health kick/reboot, this time geared at finding a diet that gives me more energy.  Less than 48 hours in I can tell you I feel a marked difference in my energy, mostly in my eyes.  They used to always feel so heavy and now I feel like I can fully open them and I just feel lighter, does that sound crazy?

I literally typed in "foods for high energy" into google and made a list.  Here's what I ended up with for the week.

Breakfast:
Blue Smoothie - 1/2 cup each skim milk and fat free plain greek yogurt, 1 tsp, ground flax, 1 cup frozen blueberries, 1/2 banana, 1 tsp. honey, 1 large bunch of kale
I don't have a good blender, but my handheld did alright.  The flavor was good but the kale was still a little chewy for me.  I'll keep sucking them down though if they're working!

Granola on top of plain greek yogurt with strawberries and honey. I love Great Harvest granola or Eliie Kreiger's homemade variety.

When I'm in a hurry I grab one of the Melaleuca bars I keep on hand, either the Attain or the Fiberwise varieties are really good.  Or if I'm REALLY struggling to decided I just grab a banana and slap some peanut butter on it.  Yum.

Lunch:
Picture this, delicious fresh whole grain bread toasted, topped with 1/4. avocado smashed with lemon juice, arugula, sliced tomato and smoked salmon.  That was a good idea.

Chicken Curry Salad with a slice of that same whole grain bread and an apple (I can' find a link to the recipe I used! I did two cooked diced chicken breasts, diced apple, diced celery, chopped almonds and raisins, the dressing was simply half greek yogurt half olive oil mayo and a good teaspoon of mild curry powder, plus I always season with salt and pepper...it was really good)

Greek Quinoa Salad

Snacks: Dried fruit (cherries in particular are said to be good for boosting energy), Edamame, green tea and black coffee, I made some muffins today with Felix too if I get really hungry plus the kids love them for breakfasts and snacks (I didn't have any applesauce on hand so used apple butter, that was an excellent choice)

Dinner:
Herbed Pork Tenderloin with leftover brown rice broccoli casserole from the weekend
Lentils and Polenta
Sweet Potato Hash with sautéed greens and soft cooked eggs
Veggie burgers and sweet potato fries
Greek Cod Cakes with whole wheat cous cous and roasted zucchini
Whole Wheat tuna noodle pasta with peas
Canned Indian dishes over brown rice with carrots (trader joe's has a new line of canned Indian food so of course we had to try them!)
Brown Rice and Shrimp Risotto with Spinach
Trader Joes meat lasagna (I bought the individual spinach lasagna for myself because it's apparently much healthier, I hope it's good!)

I like that this menu feels very manageable and healthy and filling.  I bought enough that we'll have some meals to make for next week which is great because I know after a heavy cooking week I can get burned out and it's nice to have things already planned/in the freezer.

So up next will be the fun photo post I promise!
Happy December everyone!