Changes

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote this...

When my kids were babies, people liked to tell me that the intensity of nursing one baby while another sat on belly holding a stack of books would naturally ease up when the kids were older and more independent. And that school would crack open an expanse of time in which “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” I always cringed at that sentence.

Our daily routines feel more intense today than ever before. Everything is bigger: our children, our grocery bills, our laundry piles, our social calendars, our needs, our responsibilities, our worries, our joys. Sometimes I dream about having those baby days again. As a new mom, I found a content stride and purpose I hadn’t perviously known. Everything felt dreamy and safe with my kids dangling from my torso 24/7. I was good at it and I loved it. I wasn’t even sure I’d ever have kids and then I wanted to breastfeed forever and quit my career to pursue work that allowed me to wear babies all day. Time measured in carrot purées, walks around the block and writing for giant chunks of time during my daughters’ naps.

Oh, that rose-colored hindsight. I know those early days weren’t easy but they feel like they were now that we are navigating things like peer influence, increasingly full after-school sport schedules and pushback over earrings that I find *too* dangly. Also: the fact that my kids have outgrown my wingspan. They fly on their own, sometimes out of sight. But always on my radar, my chickens. Always.

      Nici Holt Cline (digthischick.net)

I couldn't have written somehting truer about life currently myself.

As we fast approach Felix's, my baby's!, FOURTH birthday I find I have so many emtions running through me.  We knew almost from the moment he was born that our family was complete.  I knew to savor those baby and toddler days even more knowing they were our last.  Growing is so bittersweet all the time.  I really had no idea what a ride we were getting on just over 8 years ago.  An unpredictable never ending ride of raising children and being parents.

I've realized that part of why I've stopped blogging so much is that it's stopped feeling ok to write about my kids and my struggles as a parent.  It's been really rough since we've moved, harder than it's ever been.  I knew if I came on here I'd gush and that didn't feel right.  Their stories are becoming their own.

Ainsley is 8 which seems so old.  If she had her way she'd spend all her home time biking around the neighborhood buidling fairy houses and making clubs with friends.  She believes so much in magic and is still so innocent in so many ways.  I love that so much and am glad she's been thus far pretty unaffected by peer influences.  For all our struggles with that girl she's one of the strongest people I know.  When I can step back and remember that I'm completely amazed by her.

Louise has really come into her own this past year.  Just this morning she said, "Mom?  What does a crush mean."  "It's means you like someone, usually in a different way than how you like your friends or your family." "I thought so.  Well, I have a crush on Evan,"  Then she blushed! and giggled! in such a sweet way that I knew it to be true.  My girl has her first real crush.  How sweet.  It makes sense for our Louise.  Her whole first grade class is one big gaggle of friends.  She's sobbed the few times she's had to miss school this year.  She LOVES it.  She is super into doing her work and is so on top of everything.  She still loves art so much and is most happy when coloring or writing or reading one of her new chapter books or playing with friends.

Felix is such a great little guy.  He's totally into super heroes and playing pretend, soccer and swinging.  Most recently he loves listening to jazz music with me and trying to pick out what instrument is playing.  He loves doing everything his big sisters do and takes really good care of himself.  He's so proud to be able to do so much for himself and third child, I am glad to let you.

I feel like I may always mourn those baby days.  They were so special.  It makes it even more magical that it was in Oak Park, this idyllic urban village, in so many ways. It's easy to over romanticize that time of life, still it's hard to let go.  Being home all day doesn't feel as good as it used to.  Home used to be where the action was! Now it's starting to feel lonely.  I really relish my alone time but find I'm this odd balance of introvert and extrovert.  I really miss my connections in Oak Park and seeing friends every day.

I'm still finding my rhythm here.  I'm trying to relax and enjoy Felix's last preschool years with him home and trusting that my new path will make itself clear to me soon.