Weekend Morning

Early morning snuggles.
Dark rainy skies.
Happy bunk bedded girls.
Tiny candle flickers.
Piping smooth coffee, with even smoother chocolate.
Unashamed holiday tunes.
Photobook working, working away.
No places to be, nothing to do but be here.
Ahhh.  Weekend morning.

THIS Moment

Louise Adele - 2 years old

Oh my sweet Louise, how to begin?  

Less than 2 months ago you turned 2 years old.  I still don't know how this can be.  You still feel like my baby, yet act like such a big helpful girl.  You surely are growing each and every moment, right before my eyes.

You started school just this fall and I still cannot get over how smoothly your transition has gone.  After two sad drop offs you now beg for school, sad when a Monday or Wednesday rolls around and you have to hang out with ole mom in the morning instead of your friends and beloved teachers "no payschoo mama?  oh no!".  Everyone in your class knows your name and just the other day your teacher made a point in letting me know what a delightful little girl you are.  That you play so well with the other children  can often be found rubbing them on their backs while you play together, and at some point every day find yourself snuggled up in a bean bag chair with a book, reading aloud to yourself.

While it was wonderful to hear from another adult how wonderful you are I can't say that I'm surprised   I think you're pretty delightful too.

You continue to amaze me every day.  You now insist on dressing yourself, can put on your own socks and shoes in the morning before leaving for school.  You pee in the potty at least once a day, more if I'm on my game and ask you often.  You are such a determined little artist and those tidy little marks you've been making for ages look more and more like real creations every day.  You are so willing to try anything I throw at you.  I love how eager you are.

I have also so loved our few mornings alone a week.  We bake and play, read and sing.  Sometimes we just walk up and down our block talking and holding hands. Taking you to music class is such a joy.  You sing so loud and proud and many mornings we wake up to the tune of your singing the good morning sing at the top of your lungs.

Ah, I love my girl.

And now my sweet thing YOU are going to be a big sister too!  You are so excited about the new baby and I just can't imagine a better big sister for this little one.  I am making sure to shower you with sweet dumpling kisses while you are still my littlest, though I know somehow in my heart you will always be my sweet baby.  

Watching you grow and learn is such a joy.  I love you THIS moment, sweet as ever, smart and happy.  I am so excited to be your mom.

Ainsley May - ALMOST 4

My big Ainsley girl.  We have had quite the start to fall.  We ended the summer on such a happy note.  You LOVED all our trips to Minnesota and still talk about wanting to go back to the cabin just about every day.  You were so excited to start preschool and meet new friends.

You helped your sister transition to school so well.  I was so very proud of you.

Then it was your turn!  You LOVE school.  We are still trying to figure out drop offs.  I can be a little tricky to get you out the door in the mornings and pry you off my leg once we make it to your classroom, but I'm always greeted with a big smile at the end of the day and lots of stories about all the fun you had with your teachers and your new friends.

You got your first big girl hair cut and had such fun at a real hair salon. You still look so old to me with those straight bangs and short crop, but I love being able to see those big brown eyes all the time.  You have the best eyes Ainsley girl.

This fall a few new challenges have found us.  Some new worries about leaving mama, and some fears of new places and things.  This all feels a bit new to me because you've always been so eager and willing.  But it's brought about some great talks and some wonderful problem solving.  I am simply astounded with your ability to articulate yourself.  To let us know what you need and for us to find a solution together.  I am so proud of you big girl and know we'll soon find answers to all the worries.

You love to be a helper, but still have your own strong ideas about HOW to help :o).  I love how independent you are, your strong will and clear voice.  I've never had to guess who you are big girl.  You've let us know right from the start.

You find such joy in life Ainsley girl.  In sharing a fun morning out with you family (and lamby too of course), in creating something of your making, whether it's baking or cooking, drawing a new plan for your bedroom and rearranging with daddy.  You are so incredibly creative and it's all I can do to keep up with your energy and zeal for life.

For all your activity I find that you are starting to slow down more and more (in some moments at least) to really work on something hard.  You can often be found in your room, pencil in hand, writing out a long story about a mysterious princess and a mermaid, or making up lyrics to a new song.  You always have a grand plan, and the execution and follow through to make it happen.  We are proud of your ingenuity and drive.  You are such a special kid.

Your smile lights up my world Ainsley May.  I love you THIS moment. Sensitive and sweet, caring and cantankerous.  I would not have you any other way.

I'm one lucky mama to have two such wonderful girls.  Just imagine when there's three little Vaagenes' running around :o)

Homebirth

Last night, driving home from our first consultation with our new midwife, Ian and I were both very much on cloud nine.  He patted my thigh and we chatted happily about our enthusiastic, smart, very experienced caretaker, who gave me a warm hug at the end of our visit and Ian a firm handshake (how is it possible she already knows us so well?)

After savoring our delight for a few minutes more Ian said so, should we keep the homebirth quiet?

This surprised me a bit, I will admit.  I asked him why and he responded that surely people will have opinions about this choice we've made.  I am typically a person who avoids confrontation, keep my opinions mostly to myself because they are just that. MY opinions.  But in a society where babies are predominantly born in hospitals, I feel strongly about representing a different viewpoint, one that I feel strongly about and most of all, feels so right for our family and this baby.

From the moment I knew we wanted another little one in our family I also knew that this time around I wanted a homebirth.  There were so many things about Louise's pregnancy and birth that were disappointing to me.  That just because I had a short cervix and a positive fetal fibronectin test I was put on strict bedrest for 7 weeks, given painful steroid injections four separate times, and all without any real signs of false or premature labor on my part.  Then at the hospital my baby was taken away from me at 4 hours old because she wasn't eating.  They found her oxygen levels to be "just below normal" and once she was hooked up they started a round of antibiotics without my consent for pneumonia that she did not have.  I was not allowed to try and feed my baby even though hours after they took her her little mouth was searching for my milk.

Even thinking about it now I am so sad and angry because it all was so unnecessary.  My little one was breathing fine on her own with oxygen levels ALWAYS in the 90s.  We were never given a satisfying explanation for what was wrong.  That pain and anguish we all went through, having to leave our sweet baby in the hospital for four days was completely unnecessary and all because of the hoops the hospital made us jump through.  I am determined not to have any of that happen again if I can help it.

Plus I don't want drugs, have never used even an IV in my deliveries.  My body has babies easily and recovers well.  The whole process just feels so natural for me, I can't imagine a better place to experience this baby's entry into the world.  We all know what a homebody I am :o).

So I welcome any questions you may have, feel confident that I have the answers.  Know that Ian and I have thought through this carefully, asked the hard questions and feel 100% confident in this decision.  Of course there's a long road to travel before birth day, but I can't help but gush.  I already can't wait. (can you remind me of this excitement around month 7?  I feel I'm going to need it :o)

Thank you all for your continued support.  Our little growing family is so thankful and blessed.

The News

Ok, so by now I suppose you've guessed what the big life consuming but I can't quite tell you yet news is.

I'm pregnant.

::11 weeks::

I found out while I was on vacation with the girls in Minnesota.  I thought I wasn't pregnant.  I'd taken an early test and it was negative. I'd always gotten positive early results so assumed I wasn't.  Then, later, I took another test and well, it was, and I was.  The girls were downstairs with my family.  Ian was hundreds of miles away working his tail off on his PhD.  I called anyways.  Right away.  Would it be too much to give you some news? I said. I think I know what it is. He replied.  So I told him. Yay! Yes yay.  Very much yay.

I'm still a bit in denial.  Not because we didn't want and plan for this baby, because we did, albeit quite briefly (oh when will I learn?).  No, because up until, well about 3 months ago we still thought we were done.  After the trauma of the end of my pregnancy with Louise I wasn't sure I could do it again, but moreso, our family felt complete. We have been blessed with two beautiful girls, what more could we possibly want?

But then, kind of out of the blue, our family wasn't complete.  It's complicated and very simple all at once.  Looking ahead in our lives we didn't see just 20 little toes at the dinner table, but 30, at least. And me?  I couldn't be calmer, couldn't feel better.  This all just feels so right and easy, at least right now.  I work best in predictable situations, familiar situations.  This time around I know what to expect and feel like my own voice is much stronger.  Because despite everything that's been found to be wrong and all the red flags and worry, my babies aren't born early.  If anything they are born quickly and easily.  So rather than live this pregnancy with fear and trepidation I find myself simply elated and very very calm.  Because I know that no matter what the next 7-8 months hold for us, on the other side is a sweet little baby, joining our family, and that is worth anything, everything we could possibly go through to get there.

**************************************************************

I wrote this right after I found out I was pregnant.  Almost two months later, oh how the tides have changed.

Not the sentiments of course.  If anything I am even MORE excited for this baby.  I still feel calm and happy, but oh boy I've NEVER felt as gross as I've felt this first trimester.  I keep reminding myself that I'd rather have it this way.  The constant nausea, dizziness and exhaustion a steady reminder of the little one growing growing away.  Still, it's been a bit rough.

I'm lucky as always to have such a wonderful husband who despite plugging away at his dissertation all day comes home to care for the girls while I lie up in bed most evenings.  It's interesting to me that I can power through our crazy full mornings with relative ease, then CRASH at naptime everyday, steadily feeling worse until I finally fall asleep, early, most nights.  It's as if this little one already knows its place.  Knows there are certain things this mama simply has to do, and then when it's convenient? Ok, I'll act up now.  I love you already little one.

The beauty for me of this third pregnancy is how aware I am of this baby.  When I was pregnant with Ainsley the whole thing was so abstract, even the kicks and turns didn't really cement it for me until I saw that sweet little screaming face.  And Louise?  Well, poor thing.  At first I was too busy caring for her still baby big sister to pay her much mind and even on bed rest I found I had to separate myself from HER and focus my mind elsewhere to stay calm and relaxed.  But this little one?  I am so aware.  I'm already envisioning their sweet little face in my dreams, how seamlessly they'll fit into our family.  This anticipation is the best kind, and I'm savoring every moment I can.

We told the girls and close family last week.  We'd hoped to wait a bit longer.  Two full trimesters is a long time for little ones to wait to meet a sibling.  But there's something in telling the ones you love and sharing your joy that makes it grow exponentially.

This time around the "telling" was a bit different   We told the girls casually last weekend, after romping around outside.  I whispered to Ainsley that I had a secret and she was giddy with excitement   I bent down and spoke softly in her ear "we're going to have another baby!"  While her face lit up and her little wheels began to turn, this abstract thought was a bit confusing.  So Ian jumped in and we both explained.  At one point a loaf of bread was brought in to explain the size of the baby when it will be born, and both girls came away ecstatic and wanting to hold up mommy's shirt to see the baby.

I have never experienced this sibling delight before.  Ainsley was far too young when I was pregnant with Louise for her to have any understanding of what was going on.  I am so excited to get to share this precious time with my girls.  Ainsley is already wanting to make the baby things, pulling out luscious velvets and pale pink cottons for dresses and skirts.  When I remind her of the possibility that this baby might be a boy she's equally thrilled "oh, he'll love this dress too mama.  It will be so beautiful on him". Both girls rub my belly and talk to the baby every day.  Even Ian is more attune to this tiny new one, patting my belly and defensive of the girls' roughness with their growing mama.

This new baby on the way has facilitated so many wonderful talks about the girls' own births, photos are brought out of my swollen belly when they were all ripe and ready, years ago.  Ainsley LOVES watching the home videos we have of the girls' first moments in the hospital and those sweet homecomings.  I can't even imagine their wonder when my belly starts to really grow and twitch and bulge with their active sibling.

Ainsley and Louise were the ones to tell their grandparents that our family was growing.  Ah the wonders of facetime.  Their excited little high pitched voices couldn't have conveyed our collective elatement better.  Ainsley asks at LEAST once a day when will the baby be here mommy? and of course my reply of in the spring Ainsley girl, in April, 6 months from now is completely devastating.  But that's too long mommy!  I can't wait that long! Oh baby girl.  It will come faster for us than you could imagine.

Tonight we heard that little heartbeat for the first time.  After a fabulous consult with our new midwife, with whom we're planning a homebirth, I casually climbed up on the table and bared my soft tummy.  I heard my own steady heart beating and then a quick thump thump thump as the baby's joined mine.  That little fig sized person is there, right below my bladder where all of my kids seem to like to be.  I am so elated.  This is so great.  I'm so happy to share the news.

More Later, but for Now...

It feels like it's been a bit since I've written, has it?  Probably not.  I suppose I'm aware of it because there is so much that I'd like to say, but very little I can write about on here.  Oh my, I don't suppose I've ever been quite that cryptic , have I? Well, I will say most of it's good, some of it's icky.  All of it has been consuming me lately, making it hard to focus on the things I normally do.

So what better time and space than now and here to get the ball rolling again and force myself back into the everyday.  For even though my mind may feel muddled and my body worn and tired, the everyday is always here.

This week has been exponentially easier in so many aspects in our everyday.  It's as if when the calendar flipped to October we all took a big sigh and settled in.  

This amazing deliciously cool weather has helped a whole lot.

::first batch of seasonal sugar cookies

I'm still astounded by how delicately and intentionally that sugar was sprinkled::

::Ainsley photobombing, ALL the time::

:: apple eating, leaving the skins on mama's sleeve, oh the many uses for a mama's sleeve::

 ::thumbs up for grammy nightgowns!!!::

::family fall weekend walk and romp::

::winter mitten making::

::smile!::

::1 FREE felted sweater (garage sale find) + 2 traced hands + about 20 minutes at the sewing machine with a tiny zig zag edge stitch = the quickest most adorable mittens...I may never knit kiddo mittens again::

And yet again I am reminded of why I love this space so much.  A quick look through the camera, a moment to pause and reflect, and it is made so abundantly clear that a week that felt dragging and difficult was really quite wonderful.

More details to come about the girls and their antics, my boy an his ALMOST DONE! PhD, and myself...because there surely is lots more to share!

Hope you've all had a great weekend!

Meal Plan 10-1-12

Ah the joy of fall cooking.  I have so many half casseroles and soups frozen that I hardly needed to think about food for this week.  It was glorious.  I'm trying something new where I'm just planning for the weekdays, because the WEEKENDS always tend to bring some specific cravings/requests from the family.  Now, unplanned and unpaid for, I feel more free to indulge us all.  I'm excited!

Breakfasts::
Three Sisters Marshmallow Oaties (pretty much lucky charms, only better :o)
Oatmeal with sweetmilk and raisins
scrambled eggs

Lunches::
PB&J or egg salad on homemade bread (I've rekindled my love of breadbaking with this beautiful cool weather)
Grilled cheese and creamy tomato soup

Dinners::
Potato Leek Soup with Pumpkin Bread (I roasted my own pumpkin for the first time this weekend!)
Sausage, Sweet Potato and Apple Bake (possible with pancakes? mmmm)
Stuffed Baked Tomatoes (with quinoa, goat cheese, and fennel)
Nana's Casserole (delicious ground beef and rice and veggies)
PWs tomtato cream sauce pasta and romaine salad...the BEST pasta sauce

This weekend I'm thinking Salmon one night this weekend and some kind of slow cooked meat the other, pork shoulder? a  big roast to feed off of for all of next week?  The possibilites are endless.

Grand total so far:: $90, including farmer's market goodies this weekend, which leaves about $30 for weekend dinner eating (because we went out for Indian on Sunday...yum!)

Happy eating!

Afternoons

FINALLY this week feels like we've got in the groove.  Mornings aren't so hard, drop offs not such a big deal.  I've actually been able to ENJOY my minute alone time twice a week rather than cry on the phone to my mom (not that I didn't need that too though mama, thanks again).

If I were in the mourning process, which I think I am a bit, I'd say I'm in the acceptance phase.  Moving forward, trying not to linger on those sad things I can't change.  Like so missing my girls in the mornings, giving up control and trusting others to care for them (so much harder than I thought).  But I see how they're flourishing.  How much Ainsley loves having her own friends and experiences and how my sweet Louise was so clearly ready for a bit of big girl school time.  And now that I've finally figured out how to fit it all in a day?  Why, I'm even enjoying the new cadence a bit too.

While afternoons used to be quite lazy for us, a meander up to the park, a stop and go bike ride, a romp out front with no shoes and bubbles, they have become a bit more scheduled, in the most fun a creative way.  There of course will still be bubbles and walks and parks, but first? a bit of mama craft time.  Something I so needed, WE so needed to get back in our lives.

Up this week, why apples of course!  We picked up Elisa Kleven's Apple Doll from the library, a favorite from last year, but this year?  Well, we're making our own apple dolls.

It's really quite simple.  You peel an apple, carve out a nose and poke little places for eyes and a mouth, soak the apple in lemon juice for a half hour or so and place it somewhere warm and dry to dry out

I asked the girls if they wanted the "quick dry" method of leaving the apples in a low low oven for 3 days, or setting them on the buffet and letting nature take it's course and they were both adamant that they wanted their apples out in the open to watch over.  In a few weeks we should have some delightfully shriveled little faces.  I can't wait to make bodies with them out of pipe cleaners, cloth clothes and yarn hair.

Next we whipped up a batch of homemade finger paint, scented with fall spices.  Anything that involves measuring, mixing and cooking is a favorite around here.  We ground some of the spices fresh in the coffee grinder and then added them to the cooled finger paint (1/2c, cornstarch, 2 cups water, 2 T sugar, stirred constantly over medium heat until thick, then add food coloring).  We used cinnamon, ginger, cloves, allspice and nutmeg.  Our finger paint was a bit thick.  Perhaps more water next time?  But the girls didn't mind.  It was definitely more of a sensory experience than an art project, but aren't they all a bit at 2 and 3.5 years old?

 It feels so good to know that we can have it all.  My girls can go to school happily, I can make it through all the drops offs with energy to spare and our afternoons can be both lazy and fun and creative.  Really, whatever we choose.

Ok fall, NOW I'm ready for you :o).