The News

Ok, so by now I suppose you've guessed what the big life consuming but I can't quite tell you yet news is.

I'm pregnant.

::11 weeks::

I found out while I was on vacation with the girls in Minnesota.  I thought I wasn't pregnant.  I'd taken an early test and it was negative. I'd always gotten positive early results so assumed I wasn't.  Then, later, I took another test and well, it was, and I was.  The girls were downstairs with my family.  Ian was hundreds of miles away working his tail off on his PhD.  I called anyways.  Right away.  Would it be too much to give you some news? I said. I think I know what it is. He replied.  So I told him. Yay! Yes yay.  Very much yay.

I'm still a bit in denial.  Not because we didn't want and plan for this baby, because we did, albeit quite briefly (oh when will I learn?).  No, because up until, well about 3 months ago we still thought we were done.  After the trauma of the end of my pregnancy with Louise I wasn't sure I could do it again, but moreso, our family felt complete. We have been blessed with two beautiful girls, what more could we possibly want?

But then, kind of out of the blue, our family wasn't complete.  It's complicated and very simple all at once.  Looking ahead in our lives we didn't see just 20 little toes at the dinner table, but 30, at least. And me?  I couldn't be calmer, couldn't feel better.  This all just feels so right and easy, at least right now.  I work best in predictable situations, familiar situations.  This time around I know what to expect and feel like my own voice is much stronger.  Because despite everything that's been found to be wrong and all the red flags and worry, my babies aren't born early.  If anything they are born quickly and easily.  So rather than live this pregnancy with fear and trepidation I find myself simply elated and very very calm.  Because I know that no matter what the next 7-8 months hold for us, on the other side is a sweet little baby, joining our family, and that is worth anything, everything we could possibly go through to get there.

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I wrote this right after I found out I was pregnant.  Almost two months later, oh how the tides have changed.

Not the sentiments of course.  If anything I am even MORE excited for this baby.  I still feel calm and happy, but oh boy I've NEVER felt as gross as I've felt this first trimester.  I keep reminding myself that I'd rather have it this way.  The constant nausea, dizziness and exhaustion a steady reminder of the little one growing growing away.  Still, it's been a bit rough.

I'm lucky as always to have such a wonderful husband who despite plugging away at his dissertation all day comes home to care for the girls while I lie up in bed most evenings.  It's interesting to me that I can power through our crazy full mornings with relative ease, then CRASH at naptime everyday, steadily feeling worse until I finally fall asleep, early, most nights.  It's as if this little one already knows its place.  Knows there are certain things this mama simply has to do, and then when it's convenient? Ok, I'll act up now.  I love you already little one.

The beauty for me of this third pregnancy is how aware I am of this baby.  When I was pregnant with Ainsley the whole thing was so abstract, even the kicks and turns didn't really cement it for me until I saw that sweet little screaming face.  And Louise?  Well, poor thing.  At first I was too busy caring for her still baby big sister to pay her much mind and even on bed rest I found I had to separate myself from HER and focus my mind elsewhere to stay calm and relaxed.  But this little one?  I am so aware.  I'm already envisioning their sweet little face in my dreams, how seamlessly they'll fit into our family.  This anticipation is the best kind, and I'm savoring every moment I can.

We told the girls and close family last week.  We'd hoped to wait a bit longer.  Two full trimesters is a long time for little ones to wait to meet a sibling.  But there's something in telling the ones you love and sharing your joy that makes it grow exponentially.

This time around the "telling" was a bit different   We told the girls casually last weekend, after romping around outside.  I whispered to Ainsley that I had a secret and she was giddy with excitement   I bent down and spoke softly in her ear "we're going to have another baby!"  While her face lit up and her little wheels began to turn, this abstract thought was a bit confusing.  So Ian jumped in and we both explained.  At one point a loaf of bread was brought in to explain the size of the baby when it will be born, and both girls came away ecstatic and wanting to hold up mommy's shirt to see the baby.

I have never experienced this sibling delight before.  Ainsley was far too young when I was pregnant with Louise for her to have any understanding of what was going on.  I am so excited to get to share this precious time with my girls.  Ainsley is already wanting to make the baby things, pulling out luscious velvets and pale pink cottons for dresses and skirts.  When I remind her of the possibility that this baby might be a boy she's equally thrilled "oh, he'll love this dress too mama.  It will be so beautiful on him". Both girls rub my belly and talk to the baby every day.  Even Ian is more attune to this tiny new one, patting my belly and defensive of the girls' roughness with their growing mama.

This new baby on the way has facilitated so many wonderful talks about the girls' own births, photos are brought out of my swollen belly when they were all ripe and ready, years ago.  Ainsley LOVES watching the home videos we have of the girls' first moments in the hospital and those sweet homecomings.  I can't even imagine their wonder when my belly starts to really grow and twitch and bulge with their active sibling.

Ainsley and Louise were the ones to tell their grandparents that our family was growing.  Ah the wonders of facetime.  Their excited little high pitched voices couldn't have conveyed our collective elatement better.  Ainsley asks at LEAST once a day when will the baby be here mommy? and of course my reply of in the spring Ainsley girl, in April, 6 months from now is completely devastating.  But that's too long mommy!  I can't wait that long! Oh baby girl.  It will come faster for us than you could imagine.

Tonight we heard that little heartbeat for the first time.  After a fabulous consult with our new midwife, with whom we're planning a homebirth, I casually climbed up on the table and bared my soft tummy.  I heard my own steady heart beating and then a quick thump thump thump as the baby's joined mine.  That little fig sized person is there, right below my bladder where all of my kids seem to like to be.  I am so elated.  This is so great.  I'm so happy to share the news.