Thankfullness in Home

Since marrying and moving and working and mothering, I have grown. Both up and away in the person I am and from where I came.

It was so hard to leave a home and a family I felt so a part of, so a part of me, until I found a new home in my new self with my new family. And here I finally feel whole and me and good and happy.

There were times I thought it wouldn't be so, because how can you ever leave that child you were behind? They are all we know for as long as we know them.

Yet somehow I AM here, mostly grown and secure, and while I will always love where I came from and who resides there, I so love this new place that is all my own, all our own.

So here you find me, us, on the eve of our first thanksgiving home, here. I find a spring in my step as I tidy and prepare, an excitement contagious to the girls and our home. While I will miss my mom's stuffing, delicious cranberry sauce, and warmth, my dad's adundant humor (and wine service), and my family's cantakerous game playing and joy, I rejoice in here, home, with my family. Comfortable and yummy and quaint.

Ainsley and I have been talking about thankfullness, what it means and how to proclaim it. Ainsley lists her thankful things just like a prayer, thanking God for all the wonderful people in her life that she so loves, the food in her belly, her happy home and of course Lamby and nankers. I am always overwhelmed with thankfulness, in awe of all that we have been given and all that we enjoy and cherish each day: for my handsome kind man, for my sweet sweet girls, for our house and our comfort, for our love and our hope. I feel blessed to tears this year with it all.

So this year instead of packing bags of clothes, we're loading sacks of food (and mama's doing some fancy footwork to get it all to fit in our tiny kitchen!). Instead of fretting over weather we're relaxed and safe (but still praying for good weather for nana and grandpa dan to get here safe and sound!) Instead of a loud boisterous holiday of many it will be (in theory) a calmer gathering of 7. It's a change all around, but one I am so excited to have.

So the food is bought, the flowers are cut, the yarn is patiently waiting and the candles and libations ready. For this Christmas girl, Thanksgiving is running a VERY close second this year.

For all of this I am abundantly, always, ecstatically, so so thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What a Week

Oh what a week. But really they're all like that right? Mostly full and good, a bit (or a lot) crazy and loud and sometimes a little calm and rest too? This was definitely an "Oh what a week" kind of week.

Auntie Joojie came to visit us last week and then we drove to Minnesota for a 3 day trip, coinciding with Ian's departure to DC for SFN (Sociecty for Neuroscience). It worked out perfectly, for while I was the only parent for a week I had tons of help from family and lots to do to keep the girls busy.

We pretty much had a blast.

The girls were SO excited for Auntie Jooj to come. We had a great full day together at the Arboretum and lunch out and sneaky Christmas shopping at IKEA (if you want a wooden train for your little one GO THERE, it is about a third of the cost of any others on the market). The day was crisp and cool and we all rested well that afternoon. Then we rounded out the day with a walk to the grocery store to get some ingredients for dinner and Paula Deen's Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cake. Yum!

::Louise modeling her new winter gear,

hat I made last year that's much too small for me,

down coat by Outdoor Baby and

winter walker booties by Stonz::

::but really, she could wear a paper bag and be cute :o)::

::practicing some emotion faces on the ropes course::

::I think this one was HAPPY!!!!::

::romping around IKEA::

::no, Louise is not for sale for $4.99,

Auntie Jooj had the brilliant idea of distracting Louise

from her annoyance at the long checkout line

by plopping her in a big bin of plush toys,

you have the best ideas Auntie Jooj::

One of my few regrets in having children is not being as free to travel and visit loved ones like I'd like. I'm so thankful for a sister who takes time (and money) to come visit me in this crazy life. Thanks Jooj! We had such fun with you and can hardly wait for Christmas.

***************

After crazy early wake ups and waffle breakfast on Saturday we attempted to fill the morning before packing and heading our separate ways (Julie to downtown, us to MN). Ainsley was having none of it. I had one of those "adult" parent moments when I had to make a hard decision. She was acting SO off that I almost decided not to go. I was worried she was getting sick and didn't want to inflict that on family, or deal with it alone on a 7 hour car trip. But Ainsley can put on a good show and I chalked it up to too little sleep and anxiety about the trip (oh the worries that one is forming...she's more like me than I thought). So we rallied, left a tidge earlier than planned, gave Joojie hugs and kisses and dropped her off at the El stop, and away we went. The girls slept for the first few hours and awoke in time for a late lunch. We stopped to grab a bite and Ainsley seemed good, so I let her have some chocolate milk. Mere minutes after getting back in the car she threw up EVERYWHERE. Poor thing. I was a bit panicked that she actually had stomach flu. So we pulled over, I cleaned her and changed her, put a blanky down on her sodden car seat and we plugged ahead, because what else was there to do in middle of nowhere Wisconsin? The girls did so well the rest of the drive and while Ainsley got sick once more that evening I still think it was just a nervous carsick stomach. Thankfully we were able to put that all behind us and have a great trip.

::Riding bikes with cousin Connor, "Connor's my best friend mommy. I love him so much"::

::Ainsley has been desperate for a nightgown for the past few months

and Grammy took it upon herself to make one,

the PERFECT one, long and twirly with sparkly cupcakes all over.

We've already washed this nightgown 5 times.

It's ALL she wants to wear. Thanks Grammy!::

::cousin cooking time!::

::the girls loved their new baby cousins. Louise couldn't give Griffin enough kisses (and believe me she tried) and Ainsley was simply smitten with both. She made up a song to the tune of a music garden favorite "Aida Carmen, Aida Carmen, Aida Carmen" quite precious::

::bouncy playground! Ainsley's new favorite place ever...she's talked about it almost nonstop since we got home, thanks Auntie Kelly for the great idea, and for everyone else for having so much fun together!::

::Louise helping to cook, she's getting pretty good at stirring::

::Louise at the bouncy playground with her sad raw face from all her sniffling::

It was wonderful to get to travel to Minnesota just for fun, not for a holiday or a big family event (though I love those too). We were able to relax, eat at favorite places, get some shopping done and LOTS of playing. Thanks everyone for such a great trip!

We made it home on Wednesday in record time. Now that Ainsley is such a big girl we don't need to stop every 2 hours for a bathroom break. I've learned that one stop right in the middle for both food and gas is all we really need and then we're back on the road. If we stop too often or for too long it makes it that much harder to get the girls happily back into the car. They continue to do so well on these long trips and I'm so proud of them.

So we came home to an empty house and easily fill the afternoon with unpacking and dinner and baths, then eagerly await Ian's arrival. The girls were ecstatic and Louise couldn't WAIT to show off her new walking skills. It's wonderful to be back together again.

Then I got sick yesterday and Ian stayed home from work so I could wallow in my flu/fever pity upstairs. Everytime I get the flu I'm reminded of how awful it is, yuck. I'm glad to be back on my feet after a mere 24 hours, grocery shopped and cleaned. We are in full holiday mode now gearing up for Ian's parents to come in next week to share Thanksgiving with and all the merri-making to come for Christmas time. I can't believe it's already almost here!

I hope you all had a great week. Happy Friday!

Hump Day Nuggets: Deja Vu

I'm having major deja vu here, like flashback central to 2 years ago with almost 1 year old Ainsley. The child REFUSED to nap, so I started putting soft toys and books in her crib, shutting the door, setting the timer for a half hour, going to the OTHER side of the apartment and letting her work it out, because I loved her but MAN I needed a break.

With Ainsley toddlerhood was obvious. Those first crazy early walking steps and her outspoken opinionated little personality were obvious prominent markers. It was never a surprise to me when she was sassy or disobedient or NEVER did what I wanted her to. But here I sit a whole two years wiser, in a very similar boat with a very DIFFERENT child. De. Ja. Vu.

My sweet little Louise has slowly but surely turned into a toddler. First it was the laughing eye contact while doing something naughty. The classic "you better watch this mom, you're gonna LOVE this, what you gonna do about it?" toddler face. Now she refuses food she doesn't like, or just out of spite. If I give her something different from us, or heaven forbid, Ainsley, she throws a little fit in her chair. She flat out refuses most fruits and vegetables (although I'm trying my best I promise), squirms and wiggles when you hold her but when you put her down and ask her to walk she looks me right in the face, nods "no", drops, and crawls like lightening to go wreak havoc somewhere else.

It's not all bad mind you. She is still so snuggly and baby needy sometimes. She nestles her chubby little face in the nape of my neck when she's sleepy or needing comfort and still loves to sit quietly and read. But she's a toddler. With loud STRONG opinions and WORDS and MOVEMENT. Ahhh...I already miss those slow baby days of yore.

Today we had musikgarten and it was a bit rough I'm not going to lie. For the first time Louise was fussy, while Ainsley sat calmly and participated. She always wanted the instrument that was just being put away, the toys just out of reach, the mama that WASN'T hers and the baby that didn't want to play. It wasn't horrible, but it was new and odd.

At the end of class another little baby came and crawled over to me. She backed up onto my lap and grabbed my hand. Her babysitter smiled the "is this ok?" parent smile, I nodded and enjoyed the complacent little bug on my lap. Louise didn't mind, she was in the thick of the action with her sister, tapping and singing all on their own. But this little baby, she wanted me, she made moon eyes at me and glommed on.

It reminded me of how I used to be with babies, other peoples babies, and why I wanted children so badly for my own. For some people babies are cute and snuggly, but goodness hand them off to their parents when they cry people. Me? I LOVE them. I love the whole package. There is something magical about a fresh little one, filled with hope and possibility and pure unadulterated love and curiosity. That quick little not-my-baby snuggle brought me back. De. ja. vu.

Being a mom, I've lost a bit of that pre mama baby love. Not for my own of course, but I get how REAL and HARD it all is. It's not just the snuggles and loves but the crying and defying and working it out too. But really? I kind of love that too sometimes. Rather than handing a little one off to their parents when they're needy or tired or icky, I am the one they want, the one they need. I am the mama. So as I sit here listening to my sweet little newly toddling Louise fuss and squirm and NOT nap, I am reminded that as hard as this is, I LOVE this.

For with those squirms and opinions and spite, comes a closeness, independence and intimacy. I love each new day with my growing girls because I get to know them better, get to watch them grow and learn. Ian and I joke about having another one. "But could we skip the first 4 months please?" for while I LOVE the new baby snuggles and needs, I LOVE toddlers.

Older wiser parents keep telling me that it only gets harder...and I hear that, but really? I think it gets a bit easier too. Because now when my girls fuss and fret I KNOW what they need, I'm not just guessing and flying on a whim. I like knowing, and learning, and growing with my girls.

Bring it on Louise. I'm ready for you, and I can't wait!

Nuggets::

We continue to have ridiculously copious amounts of fun in the kitchen. Ainsley's chef skills have so evolved that she is always making her own creating and helping me simultaneously. It is not unusal to find a concotion of hers in the fridge or "baking" in the pantry at any given moment. I have to keep close tabs on that one, oh wait, nothing new :o).

And LOUISE! I am delighted that she too is a little kitchen helper. She stirs so well and is working on her proficiency in dumping. She is so interested and completely unsatisfied to simply sit while Ainsley and I cook. The more the merrier!

::Ainsley and a concotion of her own, Louise playing happily with markers . She loved pulling the caps off, putting them on her little chubby fingers and making silly voices for them like puppets, then putting the caps back on and putting them away, probably the cutest thing ever::

::Louise in command of the stepstool, pushing it all over the kitchen, them climbing up to where the action was, Ainsley dancing and singing while making snickerdoodles with me::

::dough rolling, I mean eating, time!::

Nuggets::

These past two weeks we've found yet another groove. The weather has been a bit chill, cloudly and damp for parks or much time romping outdoors so we've regrouped. We went on long morning outings to visit grandparents whose visits have gone FAR too long in between. What fun we had.

::Ainsley trying on her new FAVORITE dress up dress at GG's::

Nuggets::

Let the parties begin! Ainsley has attended her first friends' birthday parties this past month and LOVED every moment. She loves picking out, or helping make, the presents, making cards, practicing her happy birthday song and of course, dressing up for the occasion. Yay for 3 year olds! I can't wait to see her at her own party next month!

::Getting ready for Aahna's party. for once Louise is the blur::

(and if you think Ainsley's eye looks black, it does. she "decorated her face with you mascara mama, because it's a special occasion, ok?")

::what a wonderful party at a local kids gym, the girls were in heaven...

Louise in the ball pit::

::on the ladder::

::see sawing with a 3 year old!::

::my favorite moment of the night, the grand finale of the party. The kids all got the chance to ride the zip line. The birthday girl was a bit reticent, and the other children stood in awe, but Ainsley RAN to the front of the line nearly jumping out of her pants for a turn. I wish I'd gotten a closer shot of her face. PURE JOY. This girl is afraid of nothing, I am so thankful for that::

::Bubbles!::

Thanks for the great party Aahna! (you too Gigi, I can't believe I didn't get ONE photo from your great party!)

Nuggets::

I continue to struggle to find a balance between productivity and quality time. I find much like working out as long as I do SOMETHING every day, I feel good about that and know it will all get done.

::Cutting out new pants for Ainsley from an old shirt of mine while the girls TRASHED the basement with rice, oh boy that was a doosey to clean::

We're loving on November in this house. Excited for visits and festivities and trips coming up, and oh so thankful for this sturdy warm house and all the love in it. Happy hump day!

Sharing the Love

I'm sitting her sipping on coffee, perusing the net for stocking stuffers and $5 gifts (a Roger's family tradition), feeling a bit guilty because I opted out of an Ian-tastic outing with the girls to do so, but thankful for the quiet all the same.

Most weekends it's a conundrum. I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that we can't do it ALL. It's just not possible and it's mind numbingly frustrating to ponder it, so I've stopped. I can't have a spotless house, a rested mind and body AND partake in all family activities wholly and happily. So this morning I wasn't in the mood. I was cranky from all the morning clean up and frustrated at Ainsley (she woke up screaming at me to go back to bed because she wanted Ian to get up with her, not me...what a lovely way to start the day). But Ian was perky and cheerful and he so wanted to take the girls to a new farm he'd heard about. So he went and I stayed and while I miss seeing their happy faces on the farm, I know they love the daddy daughter time and today, I SO needed the quiet.

But back to this internet shopping thing...I NEED to share some amazing sites with ya'll (yes, Paula Deen continues to influence my life daily). I have stumbled upon some great stuff here. I LOVE finding small, unique places to shop, whether locally or on the net. These are some great sites for stocking stuffers or small gifts.

Darlybird

Adorable sundries, party decorations, accessories, and school supplies. I ordered some fun print tape for Ainsley, play tickets, garlands and flowers for her birthday...good unique stuff.

Blue Q

Who doesn't need and LOVE reusable recycled bags? These are some of the cutest, funniest ones I've seen. Plus lots of other amazing stuff. I'd be more specific, but I don't want to give away any of my secrets :o)

Stubby Pencil Studio

Amazing amazing art supplies for kids. I got ALL the girls new art supplies here for their stockings...baby pencils, markers, soy crayons, blank books, coinpurses...amazing wonderful art supplies.

Enjoy. You're welcome.

So now I'm just about DONE with Christmas shopping. It feels so good. Now to find some good hiding spots for it all (but not TOO good. I can't lose ANOTHER box of goodies :o(.

Hump Day Nuggets: simple wonderful hard

One day late, but here we are.

The holiday weekend hub bub has left me slow and simple. Ainsley has playschool off for a week between sessions and I'm thankful for the extra time in the mornings. It's such a gift to have a break from the hurry and scurry, if only for a few days.

nuggets::

As soon as the last tea light burned down in our jack o lanterns I began scheming about turkeys, for while I love Halloween for the kiddos Thanksgiving is really more my bag. A holiday dedicated to gratitude and amazing food and home and family love? Now you're speaking my language.

So we're on to turkeys, of all shapes and sorts. Of course the most natural introduction to turkey art with toddlers is HAND TURKEYS! Louise was having non of me tracing her hand. Poor dumpling spiked a fever yesterday and has been out of sorts ever since. But she watched interested as Ainsley and I pumped out turkey after turkey. We collected the boldest leaves we could find (what serendiptiy that one of the prettiest little red leaf trees on our block is right outside our front door?). We ripped and crunched to make "glitter", glued and painted. We had such fun. I'm excited for lots of turkey in our near future.

::she was so sad :o(, don't worry I didn't keep us out long::

::oh but the joy ainsley found in leaves and bubbles::

::our perfect autumn tree::

::turkey time!

see? she enjoyed herself after all::

::Ainsley cut her orange turkey out all on her own::

nuggets::

Today has been icky. We rescheduled a trip to my grandma's in favor of better weather tomorrow, so we're inside out of the gloom, but gloomy nontheless. Ainsley and I made a big fort, stocked it with books and toys and flashlights and the girls played the morning away. Louise snuggled up by the heat vent and lounged, then joined in the raucus fun as I added our two tunnels to the entrances. They had a blast playing the morning away.

::see Louise escaping? I think they giggled continuously for at least an hour::

::playing with the new turkey roaster::

::Ainsley in a fort::

::the label said it could hold a 15 lb turkey...I think it holds at LEAST 23 :o)::

::twirly twirling::

nuggets::

This past weekend I shared breakfast with a good friend I've missed. She's the first REAL friend I made when we moved here, the teacher I worked with at my first job. She's the mother of 4, an amazingly creative gifted teacher, a kindred spirit and mentor. Between sips of coffee and nibbles of scone we talked like good friends do, easy and abundant. After regaling me with stories of her brood, college adventures, friendship and growing woes she stopped, looked me right in the eyes with a kind wise stare and said "I know how hard it feels right now...and it IS hard, I know. But really, it's such a simple wonderful kind of hard. I wish I could have that again."

Of course IT, is right now, with these two little people I'm loving and raising that so need me every moment that it seeps the strength from my every fiber every minute. But it's so good to have that perspective that I lack some days. The days when I wish Ainsley was just THAT much older so that we wouldn't have our toddler/mama misunderstandings. Those days when I'm frustrated that Louise still NEEDS me so much, when my arms are aching from hauling her around and I feel my patience and sanity swiftly departing. A reminder that all too soon they won't need me so much and how desperately I'll miss that and want it back when it's gone.

Ahh good wise friends. So glad to have them in my life.

nuggets::

Thank you thank you all for responding to my need to be heard. I feel back on track with this whole sharing thing. It really really means a lot. THANKS!

Happy belted hump day out there!