Words

This place is mostly a space of memory keeping for me.  I'm terrible at keeping up with my One Line a Day, and printing off photos in regular intervals, but something about writing and documenting on here has worked for me.

I've steered away from writing too many personal things on here, ok overly personal things.  I'm aware that when I hit publish anyone can see it and perhaps that's not always what I want or need.  Sometimes though I do just need to write it out, so here we are.

Ian and I have been married for almost 8 years, which means we've been in Oak Park almost as long.  Sometimes I drive past our first, or second apartments with the kids in tow and point out that old yellow brick building with the forest green door that used to be our home, or the fake brick shingled two flat on the quiet residential street where we brought Ainsley home from the hospital.  Just yesterday I took an after dinner walk with Ainsley and we walked up and around the pool house up the street.  She couldn't resist bounding up and down the loud metal ramp, just like she did as a tiny toddler, over and over again.
Here we are.

Bit by bit we're fixing up this old house.  First it was the kitchen and some plumbing, then the garage, now our rickety back deck.  Up next is the AC and the roof.  It never ends.  It's stressful.
It's home.

When we moved here almost 8 years ago I never ever thought we'd be here this long.  I just can't shake off that this is a temporary home for us, when in reality it's been our only home together.  I meet new people every day who have just recently moved here, already diving into this place way more than I have.  I never realized what an introvert I was until I moved here.  It's caught me off guard.

Recently I've been watching lots of the Great British Baking show.  I'd been craving a new show to carry me through the evening knitting hours I love and have found it.  On the first season one woman in particular caught my attention.  She was a stay at home "mum" to three small boys.  Baking was her girly escape she said.  In her little interview clips she was mostly confident in the beginning episodes, then through the end started to open up and would often tear up after a good review from the judges.  She could't believe the wonderful things they said about her, how professional her bakes were, how talented she was.  She came in 2nd overall.

I cried a bit at the finale.  She was a gracious runner up.  Her words about being swallowed up by the rigors of mothering have stuck with me, made me think.

When I was first pregnant with Ainsley I remember so many women in my life reminding me to take care of me.  Then Ainsley was, well, Ainsley and it was harder than I could ever imagine.  I'm so far into this mom thing now I can hardly remember who I used to be most days.  I find I have so many days of simple survival or days when the kids thrive so much but I'm so worn to the bone I can't even stay up with my husband to snuggle and chat like we used to.

This winter was the roughest yet.  I couldn't shake off that we were still here and I so longed for home that I couldn't get comfortable.  Ainsley going to kindergarten was incredibly traumatic for me. It dawned on me completely that my life revolves around my three little people, and my three little people aren't going to need me forever.

Then I talked to Ian and my mom lots.  My mom said one day "Becky, you'll always be their mom."  I've sat with that ever since.  It's so simple.  I don't know why I didn't realize it on my own.  They may not need my milk, or my hip, or the nape of my neck as much, but they will always need me, just like I still need my mom.

These past months I've finally been coming out of my fog.  I know it's going to be a process, trying to find who I am as a mom, not just a mom, but me too.  It's hard when my job is so time consuming and exhausting.  The reality is that I don't have time most days to do much for myself.  I'm already re learning how to prioritize.  I find I'm really enjoying the few activities the kids have and how that breaks up our afternoons and sometimes even gives me a break.  I get to knit for a whole 45 minutes while Ainsley is at aerial arts.  I look forward to it all week.

I know I could probably ask for more help.  We could find a babysitter and Ian's always willing to do whatever he can to give me a break.  But the reality is that I do love my job and I know that no one could do what I do with my kids as well.  Felix is off to preschool next year and two years after that he'll be in kindergarten too, starting his own big kid journey.  These years are so precious and I'm willing to sacrifice what I have to to be here and present, not just for them, for me too.

And as for my big(ger) kids?  I'm learning to really enjoy their growing.  We converse and share and create and do so many things that are pretty much impossible with a cantankerous toddler.  I'm thankful for it all.

So today for me?  I may not have had time to take a shower, paint a masterpiece, or change the world, but I ate warm lentils for lunch, knit in the backyard sun this morning watching Felix dig and play, and in about 7 minutes I'm going to do my daily yoga.  And tonight after Ainsley makes dinner (she asked!) and pottery class I get to tuck three little people in who I'd give up pretty much anything for.

To finding oneself no matter where you happen to be.  Over and over again.