I Have Something to Offer

Yesterday I found a manilla folder in our basement.  It was labeled "Becky's Report Cards".

Growing up my mom had a roll top secretary's desk that she used for storage.  The top drawer was filled with stationary and cards for all occasions, the middle one? well I don't even remember.  The bottom drawer held 8 manilla envelopes.  One for report cards and one for photos for each of us four girls.

I hadn't remembered that I had acquired this envelope.  I assumed it was still tucked away in Minnesota.  Then again, my mom has been slowly pawning my childhood things off on me now that I've been married and moved for 7+ years, 11 if you count college.  Sorry about that closet mom!  I'll get to it someday.

I took the contents out of the envelope on a whim.  It was Sunday, Ian was home.  I stood at the kitchen counter sipping my water looking through the papers.

Phrases such as "liked by all", "positive attitude" and "natural leader" jumped out at me.  My mom even saved my Iowa basics test scores.  I was shocked to see that every single year from second to eighth grade I scored the highest in math concepts (and not so shocked that a close second was vocabulary...thanks mom!).

On Friday we received the results for Ainsley's kindergarten readiness test in her unassuming green take home folder for school.  I was taken aback.  I didn't realize they were "graded" on this 10 minute meet and greet with a teacher back in June.  But they were.

The point is not how my girl "did" (just fine). But the fact that she's being TESTED!!!! I hate it so much.

We're moving on in life.  Away from the time when it's all about play and fun and social get togethers and filling the days.  Now it's about learning, A LOT, and schedules, and homework, and apparently testing.  It's hard for me.

Then I found that folder and was reminded that it's not so different from how it used to be.  I was taking scantron tests in second grade just like Ainsley (and Louise and Felix) will.  I did fine, they will too I'm sure.

As an adult I now know that those tests don't mean as much as they feel like.  They're a guide.  They're one part of this huge big picture.

It's a picture that's gotten blurry for me.  I must have mentioned 7 times over the weekend to numerous friends and new acquaintances at parties that I'm JUST now exiting the fog our third baby had put me in, 17 months later.  It's true.  Ian has mentioned to me just as many times in an even shorter period that I've been so happy, in such a good mood.  It's shocking to us both.
I guess I'm back.

Reading those comments on my report card and the assessments from the tests reminded me that I have something to offer.  I am well liked.  I am intellectual.  I am a leader, or I can be.  I heard it again in college when I lead the transfer students on an experiential learning adventure with outward bound in northern Minnesota.  I was the voice of calm, the voice of reason.  I was the one to sacrifice for the team, the one to keep my cool when things got tough.

Now I'm a mom of three, absolutely alone for 10 hours a day.  I still can't drive on the highway, can barely drive during rush hours at all really when there are too many cars on the roads.  I get so nervous about any social gathering it's ridiculous and I worry I'm agoraphobic almost daily.  The only words I write are on here.  The only concrete thing I have to show for my full days are three (sometimes smiling) grubby kids and an unkempt house. I feel so far from who I used to be, but reading those words, seeing those numbers reminds me that I WAS her, I AM her, and perhaps I will be her again.

Thanks mom for saving those report cards.  They've been an unexpected boost.
I hope you all take a moment tonight to remember who you were, who you are.  It's been nice for me.