The Best

It's Friday.  And I have a headache.  And we're leaving tomorrow for a 10 day trip.  And no one is taking their afternoon nap.  Soooo, coffee? and writing?  Yes. Double yes.

A few nights ago over dinner Ian asked "what's been the best day of your life?".  Hmm.
I thought while he talked.
"I mean, it could obviously be any one of the days that our children were born, though as a day as whole, it was pretty rocky until THAT moment."  Mmmmhmmm.  
OK, or maybe the day we got married?  That was obviously great but I was so nervous for most of it, I couldn't even eat anything.  Yeah.  
If I'm honest?  It was probably one of the days that I was in San Diego...

Ian went on to describe his perfect day, or one of many.  A day to himself, eating his favorite food, basking in his favorite climate, just calm and happy and free.

Is that bad?  We laughed.  No, it's true.

Life is so full of big huge moments, isn't it?  Births, deaths, moves, job changes, graduations, firsts.   If I'm being honest those surely are not my favorites.  Those moments and days are so riddled with high emotion for me, they can be hard, surely exhausting, as good as they are.
But those ordinary great peaceful days? ah, give me ALL of those.

This conversation struck a particular chord with me because enjoying the everyday is exactly what I'm struggling with.  When we first decided to start our family, in my great excitement and anticipation I never could have imagined how incredibly hard this journey would be.  The exhaustion and strain and pressure is unlike anything I have ever felt.

The other night I was watching that tiny gymnast dominate the ninja warrior course along with the rest of the nation and I couldn't help but chuckle as my eyes welled up a bit from amazement.  Good for her,  awesome. And as she shook out her throbbing forearms and smacked her tapped out biceps I actually thought, I can totally relate to how you feel right now.

I've been really hard on myself this past year.  It's been a rough one.  Our little family is going through a whole lot and we're pretty much on our own here.  I talk about it all the time because it consumes my every day.  To recognize that you're in over your head and at the same time understand that you have very little control and means to change it is incredibly incredibly defeating.

So right now I'm focusing on what I do have control over, which is mostly just me, how I handle it, how I behave, how I am as a wife, a mom, a woman in this big world.
If I'm honest I don't like who I've become as a mom.  I yell a WHOLE lot more than I ever thought I would, at the same time I'm much more of a pushover too.  I'm terrible with follow through and consistency, I'm just not as organized and "with it" as I've hoped.  To top this all off I feel selfish.  I'm so consumed by my own self doubt and anxieties that most days I feel like I'm just getting by and not stopping to really let it all soak in.

But as always, it's not all bad.  All the angst and turmoil of the last months have only helped us grow and strengthen.  I'm simply amazed by Ian.  He is the most resilient, strong, loving man I can imagine.  He is the perfect counter part to me, a complete ball of anxious mess at any given moment.  I think we've needed these years just us to sort some things out and to really dig deep into who we are.  Because when all three of your kids are screaming, begging for every ounce of you at 6:47 pm and you're both so worn to the bone you can hardly stand up straight, you find a place in you that you didn't know that you had and you go fall into bed knowing that your day was worth something.

The Best moments of every day.

Outdoor painting.

Working on our feelings books.  Ainsley's first page was a picture of me singing, because she HATES that song I was singing.  Glad to know your feelings girl.

Seashell splash time.

 Loungin' with my boy while the girls and daddy are at a baseball game. Pirates booty and a soft blanket on the warm grass.  The best.

The best drama too. Do your children gather everything you've ever made for them and throw it on the floor the "GET RID OF IT!!!" when they're made at you?  no? Oh Ainsley girl.

The best joy ever, found in new carseats for the girls, and a FINALLY finished knitted romper for my boy. 

Switching up toys and cleaning things out.  Always the best.

Nickel jars for the girls.  Trying our darndest to hammer home a few parental points we've been trying to make.  Nickels are definitely the best for little people.

A new (first!) moderately successful halibut for my tiny bub.  Ah, his cuteness has no bounds.

Ah, so we're off.  We are so looking froward to this much anticipated break from our everyday.  Northwoods breezes and lakes and wide open spaces.  We need this so very much.

And as if to hit the point home even more I've been finishing this off while Felix cries his tiny heart out in his crib.  His will may in fact be stronger than mine. I'm off to cuddle that sweet dumpling boy.  Because consistency's got nothing on my heart these days.  Snuggles are much more important.  Snuggles, love, beautiful perfect moments, those are the best.