Lonely Night

I'm sorry I can't help it.  Here I am again.  It's been a rough day, this seems like the place to be.

Ian went to bed early.  He's zonked.  Felix was up from midnight to 3am last night just screaming his tiny cute face off.  He's had a bad cold that he can't shake and was just out of sorts.  Ian was up with him for the most part on his own because I've caught Felix' cold on top of my lovely spring allergies. I feel awful.

The girls should finally be asleep.  Somehow they managed to sneak a large bag of candy upstairs from a birthday party Louise went to today.  Louise gave it away when she asked for help washing her "very sticky hands".  I heard Ainsley coaching her on what to say so they wouldn't get in trouble. Oh boy.

I hate weekend days that don't go as planned.  This weekend I was SO hoping for a good run.  I'm really missing that in my days.  Life has gotten so so hard with my three little kids.
There's just not an ounce of extra time in a day anymore.

This week is the girls' last week of school.   I'm actually sitting here with a half finished pile of hot pads to my left.  This pattern calls for hand sewing the back bias binding in place.  I thought it'd be annoying but I'm finding it's a nice change of pace.  I actually really like bits of hand sewing here and there.  For me it is the ultimate in handmade.

Ah so on to the hard stuff I guess.  Hmm, how to start that.

I'm struggling right now with me.  Perhaps it's hitting 30.  I didn't think when it happened that it'd be a big deal, but maybe it's bigger than I thought.  It's such a rude reminder that time just keeps marching along.  I have no control over that, over growing and changing and aging.  It's been hard.

I'm still really struggling with Ainsley going to kindergarten this fall.  I know it's months away, but it's coming, marching closer one day at a time.
It's not so much that first day I fear or even the weeks to come, but the trajectory it puts us, her, on.  Her path to big grown up kid, gaining independence, not needing us so much.  I don't like the thought of that right now, even though most mornings as I'm trying to get all three with shoes and jackets and filled bellies and empty bladders I'd BEG for a bit more independence.
It's funny that way.

I'm realizing that I took a lot for granted as child, just being on a path, moving along.  Being adult, being a parent, and the one that has to choose that path, is terrifying.  I question every moment if I'm making the right choice, with food, with discipline, with explanations of things, answers of questions.  Sometimes it can be completely paralyzing.

So there's that.  Parenting has gotten hard.  And if I hear from one more sweet little old lady "enjoy it now!  they grow so fast!" I'm either going to completely breakdown in public or just start screaming.  Trust me sweet little old people, I know.

Then there's just me, who, if I'm frank, I don't even know anymore.

I love to delve into stories over the course of  a day, how I was as a little girl, funny stories about friends from high school and college.  It all seems so incredibly far away.  I look back, especially at college, and try to recapture that feeling of invincibility and confidence.  I can't even grab a wisp.

I feel like on my best days I have tried very hard to capture who I am now as an adult mom wife woman.  I have honed in on what I love about my gig, planning fun crafts and reading interesting books, sing songing through the day, making every possible thing that I can for our lives, simplifying in every way that I can.

I've realized lately though, that in doing this, I've left behind a lot of who I thought I was. I'm not entirely sure how this happened but it has.
Being a stay at home parent has electrified the introvert in me.
I am around tiny people all day long so when Ian gets home and the kids are in bed I can't even begin to fathom going out, cultivating the friendships I've made here outside of the schools and parks.  I need that alone time to refuel.  So I stay up too late just to be awake in quiet, and then I start the day tired and never quite satiated.

Then there's how I look.  Something about this third pregnancy of mine has changed my body in a way that it wasn't changed before.  I am thicker and squarer, my eyes are sunk a bit deeper and those tiny hairs that keep growing back in are stagnating at about 3" giving me a fluffy halo around my full face.  It's been very very hard for me.

Today I am feeling the isolation of this path I've chosen.  I watched the friends and families walking around our block this evening with profound sadness.  It's a day when everyone else seems to have figured it out, and I haven't.  I am alone here with my family who needs me, and I just want to not be needed for a bit.
That's not even really true, or it.  But I don't have the words for what it is so it will have to do.

It takes such great strength and determination to make a change in a life, a big one that really matters.  When everything feels like its so big and life changing, well, that gets exhausting pretty fast.

Tonight I'm trying to take a deep breath and sink into the pull of it all, try to think of the happy, not sad.  Tomorrow promises to be sunny, and perhaps I'll be able to breathe steady enough for that run I so desperately need.
Thanks for listening.