IT's been a rough morning at the Vaagenes house, and it's completely my fault. You see, Felix is not sleeping well. Has not been sleeping well for two solid months now. Every single night he wakes up JUST as I'm drifting off to sleep...right at 11pm. Then around 3 or 4 he's up again, ravenous. He's eating two big baby food meals a day and some table food. We give him a 6 oz bottle before bed that he doesn't usually finish. He goes to sleep just fine, we lay him down awake. We're three kids in, we know the drill. NOTHING IS WORKING.
Last night he screamed for a solid hour before finally going back to sleep at 4am. I was so grumpy this morning. I love my baby, but I'm over it. I NEED SLEEP.
And those poor girls of mine are suffering. I have NO patience with them. I expect so much of them in mornings. I want them to just focus and hurry and get ready all on their own and I feel so sad after I drop them off because I've missed out on so many opportunities to enjoy them in the mornings, to snuggle and help and love. Ah. I'm feeling bad about that today.
So I've spent my free time tidying and trying to revamp. While cleaning out a few drawers around the house I stumbled across and old Aiken Drum I drew with the girls a long time ago. I think they'd like to do another one today. That was always a favorite. And then we best wash those pumpkins off the window so that we can paint something new for the Thanksgiving season. Perhaps a big Turkey? Some leaves? IT's so sunny and bright out but COLD. I want to have fun with them this afternoon. I felt like a bad mom this morning.
I am feeling sad right now. It's not their fault that their brother isn't sleeping well and that I'm grumpy. IT's not even really Felix's fault. He's a baby. I never knew sleep deprivation until this very minute. My bags have bags. Ah. Please sleep tonight Felix...I want to feel like a good mom again.
I'm so sorry. I understand. You are a great mom. You really are. Im sure it will get better eventually. But that doesn't help today does it? I'm sure felix appreciates your nighttime love and your girls know you live them deep down in their hearts. You are an inspiration to me. I rally don't know how you do it. Please don't be to hard on yourself.
ReplyDelete:( I'm sorry. I totally know the feeling of not being the mom you want to be, wanting to change, but being powerless in that moment because physically or emotionally, needs are just not being met. Will say a prayer for you guys tonight that he can start sleeping better. I'm sure it's especially frustrating the third time around when you know ALL the tricks and tips, and nothing seems to be working (I am in a similar boat with potty training second time around and beyond frustrated.) Take care, and give yourself some grace. Everytime I read your blog I feel like I have a lot to live up to as a mom, and I think your girls also see you as a super-mom and think you are doing an awesome job. :)
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