Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed.

There.  I said it.  I. Am. Overwhelmed.

My mind is an absolute heap.  A jibble jabble jumble of thoughts, appreciations, to dos, aspirations, adorations, love, flat out failures.

This new pace of life is too quick for my liking.  There are not enough minutes, hours, seconds.  Not enough time for all the stuff.  The cleaning, the tidying, the folding, the planning, the feeding, the errands.  The musts.

Not enough time, even after the stuff, for the fun.  The playing, the laughing, the games and the books, the aimless run amuk giggle chorus romps.

I am pooped.

And I don't even do much.  I've pared back to the most basic of basics.  10 hours a day with my children, wide open and free and clear.  It should be enough.  But it is not.  IT IS NOT!  I am slipping, floundering, falling, sad.

But soon we leave for a trip.  Our annual, my annual, Minnesota cities families northwoods birthdays fourth of july extravaganza.  This year our biggest boy joins us for half.  He will get up to the cabin (finally!) and by goodness we will have fun.

We will ski and swim, toast and play, run and sun, laugh and love.  We will forget for a bit how hard and long our days have become and focus again on our family.  On our three little people who don't care so much about all that stuff.  Oh how I'm looking forward to learning lots from them, always, again.

Because right now they have it right, not me.  They don't get my urgencies, my desperations.  All they get, all they want, is some good summer fun, a few lingering lap snuggles, a silly mama who teases and plays and jokes.

I find that woman a few times a day and boy do I miss her.  But I hold to her tight and even when she slips for a bit I find her again.  I look at the three beautiful people that Ian and I have made and this friendly old crackling house and I am reminded that it's beautiful and blessed but damn, it's a lot.
So I'll take overwhelmed.  The good and the bad of it.

And that nice funny even keeled lady we've all been missing so?  Why, I have a hunch she'll show up again here soon.  And then?  I believe she'll stick around a bit longer.