Best Day, Sad Day

I find I'm at a complete loss of words, yet really needing to write.  I guess we'll see how this goes.

Yesterday was such a big day.  I know three weeks ago seemed like "the big day".  The thumbs up for the PhD.  But yesterday was the last big day.  The official day.  The LONG day of defending publicly, then being grilled by his committee one final time, then signatures on a piece of paper and ta da!  Ian's a doctor of philosophy, neuroscience style.

I was so incredibly thankful to get to be at his open defense.  It's been so long since I've seen him "do his thing".  I remember studying with him in college, listening to brief presentations on summer research and proof reading his papers (what a joke that was, I didn't even know half the words he was using).

Going into college I remember thinking I was smart.  I got good grades, school felt pretty easy, then I met Ian and got it. Oh, this is smart.

I truly have never met a person so thirsty for knowledge, so driven to understand concepts and find solutions to problems.  It's one of the things I love most about him, this drive and hard working demeanor.  It was such a privilege to get to see him display that yesterday and to be received so well and rewarded by the academic and scientific community.

Then I left Loyola to go pick up the girls.  We bounded home excited about the full afternoon.  As I walked in the door I got a call from my friend who'd been watching the girls.  She warned me that there was a disturbing news story on and to not turn the tv on for the girls.  She'd flipped on PBS for her son and they were greeted with the special report of the horrific school shooting in Newtown.  I thanked her for the heads up, went about with getting the girls settled, then looked up the news for myself.

And here is where I am at a loss, because is there really anything to say about such an awful act of inhumanity?  I have found myself to be profoundly affected by the unacceptable amounts of mass shootings that have taken place over the past decade, but this?  the children?  I truly cannot begin to comprehend the horror.

My first reaction was to turn off the TV, shut the computer, and pray.  I honestly don't even remember what the prayer was for.  Peace for the families is unfathomable, yet still I found myself searching for it, because of course my overwhelming emotion was and is of fear.

I look around me at this world we live in and I see so much hate and evil and it scares me.  I choose not to read the news most mornings because when I do?  It's almost all bad.  A shooting in southside Chicago, a child gone missing, some horrific case of abandonment or abuse.  I'm not naive to these things, but I find to dwell on them only increases the fear and makes less room for all of the good in this world, because of course, there is so much of that too.

After shutting the news off yesterday and giving a piece of my heart to those families, those precious children who's lives ended far too soon, I still had to be a mom, and a wife.  I had to put on a smiley face and pretend for a moment that this world doesn't frighten me.

My girls pulled me up as they always do.  I sat between them as we watched a classical baby and just drank in their sweet smells, warm bodies, and snuggles, feeling simultaneously so blessed and lucky and so so sad.  I can't imagine something ever happening to them, it is physically not possible for me.  I just cannot fathom what those parents are going through.

Then we got the call from Ian at 2:15.  He'd been grilled, he'd passed!  Ainsley waited anxiously by my side knowing exactly what that call meant. "Did he get it mommy?  Is daddy a doctor of science?!"  "Yes Ainsley girl! Daddy got it!"  "Yay mommy!  I'm SO HAPPY!"  Ainsley leaped into my arms with a big genuine hug and smile.  I so wish Ian could have seen her reaction.

We quickly piled into the car with some fudge and peppermint bark and arrived at Ian's lab for a celebration.  There was champagne and toasts, treats and friends.  Ian's new boss, with whom he'll start working for in Januraury, talked my ear off.  She is so delighted to have Ian (well, us all she said) in the lab.  She is so excited about all the work they'll be doing, the papers they'll be writing.  When I told Ian how excited she was about him being in her lab his calm reply was "yes, well, she let someone go so I could join."  I think it's going to be a great year for him.

After the fete we all drove home together, Ian calling family along the way to share the good official news.  We relaxed for a bit then headed out to a fancy dinner and the new 007 while Sonya watched the girls.  It was such a celebratory wonderful evening.

Upon our return home, the girls in bed, Ian learned of the tragedy that took place earlier in the day. His face fell, I could almost see his stomach turning.  I'd hoped to keep the news from him for just the day, let him fully enjoy his success, but I guess it was inevitable.

We spoke of it briefly then headed to bed.  It'd been a long long day.  As we crawled into our flannel sheets Ian's face was still awash with grief.  "There is too much evil in this world."  and I, without thinking, nuzzled into his neck and said "but there's so much good too".

It may be cliche.  That in the wake of a tragedy we don't really need a pollyana.  We need time to grieve, blame even, attempt to make sense of the senseless.  But yesterday I did see so much extraordinary good.  I saw scientists and researchers striving every day to cure horrible diseases and ailments.  I saw people who dedicate their lives to being good and kind and useful.  I saw a generation of people calling for change, so hopeful and determined.

This morning Ian and I both avoided the news.  Any developments in the story won't change what happened.  In lieu of reading the endless updates I watched a brief clip of Fred Rogers speaking to parents about how to talk to children about a tragedy.  He said that most times, children just want their fears heard.  Then it is our job to assure them that we are taking the best care possible of them.  The message was so simple, but put even me at ease.

There is so much unknown in this life, so much out of my, our, control.  It pains me to have to let that go, to focus on what I can do for certain, which is to keep my girls safe as best as I can, to show them the good in this world, while keeping them smart about dangers.  To love them to pieces in each moment because life is so so precious.

I had hoped to keep Ian's PhD and this tragedy separate on here, but perhaps it's fitting that they find themselves intertwined.  One of the best days for our family in the last 5.5 years was also one of the worst in our country's recent history.

Our little family is moving forward, excited about the year ahead, and so thankful for well earned accomplishments, and all of our blessings.  It is with these thoughts that I try to move forward, with the hope and knowledge that even with evil present, there is so much light and hope and good all around us.

Peace to you all.