Togetherness

This past weekend was a bit weird.  Saturday was amazing.  It was one of those dark cloudy steady rain days that could easily have gone either way.

We'd come off a great Friday.  The summery weather had the girls and I in good spirits.  We'd resurrected the oscillating sprinkler and I'd forgotten how much ecstasy can be wrapped up in a tiny piece of water squriting plastic, for little ones at least.  After a CRAZY morning at the zoo (litereally, it was so crowded we could hardly walk through parts) I was so excited for a quiet nap time.  After sitting outside and eating a sandwich (so maybe 5 minutes peace?) I heard the all too familiar squeak of the back screen door.

"Oh mama, don't worry, I'm just letting you know that I'm not going to nap today because I'm all ready in my swimsuit to play in the SPINKLER!!!!"


After I got over my annoyance at no nap I smiled, happy to indulge my girl.  Then of course I heard Louise chirping on the monitor. They must have planned this.  So at 1:10 pm on a Friday no less, I gave up on quiet time and turned on the spigot.

We pretty much had TONS of fun.  The girls were so well occupied together, happy and laughing and  gleeing around the yard.  Ainsley made up games for them to play like... 


Ok Louise here's how it goes.  First you have to run through REAL fast then you need to touch three plants ok?  ONE TWO THREE. No Louise, THESE plants.  Ok yeah, now say ONE TWO THREE. Louise sweetly replies K Acey, UN DO DEE!!!.  GOOD Louise!  Again again!  GAIN GAIN!!!


While the girls romped I weeded and continued to try to tame the before image of the secret garden that is our yard.  Oh goodness, the weeds may never end.  I'm taking a page from the locals books and throwing caution and order to the wind.  I have nasturtiums circling around herbs, lettuce in big high pots so the rabbits HOPEFULLY won't keep munching on them, swiss chard winding around hibicus trees and beets backed up to Lupines.  Other than the dedicated veggie patch in the corner, it's all fair game and because I'm so orderly about my planting we're sure to have some surpises in a few weeks Oh!  I'd forgotten about those pumpkins there, what on EARTH was I thinking?  Good thing the Farmer's Market starts up this weekend.  I need it to save me from myself!

the peonys decided to show themselves just in time for Mother's Day

Then Saturday was equally fabulous.  Ian informed me that my early Morther's Day gift was a second pair of the amazing jeans I'd found (ok, been meticulously lead to) the previous weekend.  Shopping two weeks in a row?  Someone pinch me.  So while I perused Nordstroms for a different wash of my favorites Ian had a horrific time with the girls at Barnes and Noble.  Ahh, aimless browsing may be the worst activity for a 1 and 3 year old EVER.  Poor guy.  But I found my amazing pants and managed to score Ainsley 7 new tshirts, a pair of jean shorts and 3 new pairs of socks at Once Upon a Child for $24.   Great finds all around.

We went home and recovered and Ian entertained the girls while I made them each a new nightgown.  One of Ainsley's ripped in Florida and I was determined to revamp the pattern to make the bodice more durable.

A shortened fleece gown for Louise, a willowy lacey bottomed one for Ainsley, both with lined bodices to sturdy them up.  I simply must find a way to make one of these for myself.  Too bad I don't fit in a pillowcase anymore.

So really, Saturday held all the pampering I needed.  But of course I awoke (late mind you) Sunday to a handmade (handprinted...go Ian!) card and two eager girls.  In retrospect I should have read in Ian's face that he was a bit spent before the day had hardly begun.  He made us all delicious cream cheese scrambled eggs and we suited up for a family walk.

He diverted the girls to a park while I popped into the Buzz (our little local coffee place) for a rare hazelenut WHOLE MILK latte.  Mmmm.  I sipped it on the bench and watched him push the girls,  happy to be the sitting sipper and not the pusher.  Then when the time came to leave disaster struck.  Louise fussed in the wagon and Ainsley writhed about heading home.  Ian kept his cool but I could feel my blood boiling.  A block or so from home Ainsley plunked down on the sidewalk and refused to move.  Of all the days Ainsley, OF ALL THE DAYS!!! 

I snapped.  I swept her up hard and charged home.  Tears forming in my eyes.  I put her in her bedroom, instructing her shortly to stay there until we'd both calmed down.  I started furiously putting clothes away in our room next door, slamming drawers and pulling hangers down.  The usual calm that comes with the end of a time out wasn't there for me that time.  Even after she'd apologized, tears in her eyes, I was mad.

The rest of the day was like a horrific game of keepaway.  Ian sensed my frustration at how the morning had ended up and kept the girls at bay.  While I got my angry energy out through cleaning and organizing he kept the girls in the backyard, fed them lunch and put them down for naps by himself.  When they awoke he took them on an errand to get dinner fixings in the burley.

As I went about the rest of mother's day flustered and very much on my own, my anger quickly turned into sadness.  On a day that I really just wanted to be with my family, to celebrate what we have together, what Ian and I have made and worked so hard for, it turned out that all I wanted was a break from it all.

It's not Ian's fault that Ainsley was in rare form yesterday.  It's not his fault that Louise seems to have turned the official toddler corner as of last Tuesday (seriously, I could pinpoint the moment for you that it happened,  right in the middle of musikgarten).  It's not his fault that what should have been a tiny glitch totally ruined my mood and by extension our day.  It all just made me so sad, and sad for him, because MAN he tried.

But this parenting thing is tough, everyone knows that.  For me this parenting 24/7 because it's my job thing has really been wearing on me.  Because even when Ian's home or Sonya's over or we're with other parents and friends I'm always on, I have to be, I'm their mom.  I never get a break from the disciplining, the whining the backbreakingly exhausting work of hauling, feeding, erranding, negotiating, activity making, planning.  It's always there.  I realized yesterday that to fight it, to try and take a day "off" is way worse, for everyone.

So tonight we're having a redo.  I'm planning on running with the girls just as soon as they wake up (instead of later when Ian's home as I usually do), going to pick up our boy with big smiles (because goodness, he deserves it and needs the ride until we jump his car tonight), making real buttermilk fried chicken for the first time (like I'd planned to do last night until I lost my zeal for anything servant related), and devoting myself tonight to my family, not myself.  Because to me that's what being a mom is all about.

finally (kind of) captured Louise's face rub love on camera

she stares deep in my eyes, then rubs her little grubby hands all over my face and hair, 

ah, I love it so much

So today we're reinstating togetherness.  My training schedule and Ian's work schedule have made it hard to be just us 4 much these past weeks.  So this crummy mother's day was actually a great day, because it reminded me of what I really want.  To be with them, to walk through life with them.  Because being alone and cleaning all day was really no fun at all (ok, a little fun, I get that from MY mom :o)

We're off to a good start.  This morning after dropping Ian off and driving a bagillion miles to Costco to get "cheap" gas (did you know Chicago's gas is the highest in the nation?  so when you're crying at the pump think of how much extra we're crying), the girls and I went to our local hardware store and hauled a 60" plastic pool all the way home, yes with a full trunk of grocerys and both my girls, and no, I could not recreate for you how we did this if I wanted to, and yes, it was worth it.

mornings spent this way are the best kind of togetherness

girly giggles and laughs and golden hair in faces

cottage cheese lunches spent looking at those big eyes?  I never want to be alone again

So Mother's Day, thank you for being so awful, because today I feel more like a mom than ever.  In the best possible way.  I can't wait to spend the rest of it with this family we've made.

Happy Belated Mother's Day out there!  I hope yours was as good as mine was!