Oh Bother

It's 10:21pm and I'm still up, not even sleepy, well, not really. It's been one of those bummer of a days. You know the ones. We all have them. Those, what is my purpose here, I've accomplished nothing so I'll eat 3 desserts and sit on my bum all night kind of days. The irony is that then you only feel worse. You go to bed depressed, wake up with a stomach ache, and it's that much harder to make tomorrow a great day with an iffy start. I hope I'm right in assuming that we all have these days, if not, I'm in big trouble.

When I started this blog I envisioned it more as an update tool for family and friends, to keep everyone abreast of life here, and particularly of Ainsley's developments and antics. I've been surprised to look back and see that most of what I write is about me, inner turmoil, all that good stuff. Even now as I thought of sitting down to write something with my last burst of energy for the day, I find myself gravitating towards topics I've already touched on. Perhaps it's because I feel this is what my life has become, a sad broken record player. When the song switches you have momentary relief and anticipation of change and greatness, then you realize you've heard it before and it just gets worse each time you hear it.

Wow that sounds depressing. I assure you I'm not sitting here with droopy eyes and a half empty bottle of wine. I have a beautiful baby sleeping in the next room and a tuckered out husband hogging the covers in the back of the apartment. Life could be a whole lot worse.

I just feel stuck. Lately I've been so fatigued that I'm starting to wonder if there's something physically wrong with me. Granted I do have a ravenous almost 9 month old baby that's been waking me up lately for 4am growth spurt feedings, but even with an extra cup of coffee per day, B vitamins, and the occasional nap, I can't seem to shake this chronic sleepiness. I think it's the stuck-ness that's dragging me.

Life with a baby is bizarre and wonderful but I'm starting to remind myself of how I was with my first boyfriend. (Stay with me here) 15 years old, completely in love, losing my identity in being his girlfriend. When we broke up 2 years later it took me months to remember who I was without him. Pathetic I know, but that's what being a mom is. I have completely lost myself in Ainsley. When Ian got home from work today I was trying to start up a semi-intelligent conversation about a bit I heard on NPR and could barely form a coherent sentence. He had to jump in and save me because on top of being a neuroscientist he somehow manages to stay current with all of the news that I struggle to comprehend.

To be honest, I've never been a big news girl, I never used to mind not knowing things or stumbling over my words, but that was when I had something to back it up with. "No, I didn't hear that the world economy is collapsing, I was too busy writing a kick ass paper on Eugene O'Neil." "Nope, I don't know that Afghanistan is the new Iraq, I spent 8 hours straight painting in the art studio, listening to independent artists, expanding my creative mind." No more. I have no excuse, at least not a good one. The truth is, I have started feeling a bit lame being a stay at home mom. I have succumbed to the pressures of society. I have guilt that I don't make money or do anything besides change diapers and go for pathetically short walks. (I do more than that, it just sounds better to only list two things)

Most of all, I miss human contact. Revise that, I miss friends. I miss you Bil, and John, Lisa! Everyone. I miss you all. I so crave sitting with a good old friend that knows me and loves me. No pressure or awkward searching for words. The life of a stay at home mom is rather lonely. I think I'm gearing up for a long winter, with a wonderful daughter, who unfortunately doesn't talk back to me.

I guess that's why it's been a rough day. My mind has been plagued with all of these thoughts of things that I miss, lamenting what I don't or can't have. I'm confident that it will pass. It always does, especially when Ainsley does her crinkly face smile. You can't be sad when seeing that face.

I'll make a promise that I'll write again tomorrow and I'll try my best to make it a much better, fruit for dessert, productive and active, smile on your face as you fall asleep kind of a day.