The Details

I'm sure most of you saw on facebook that Ian and I spent the afternoon yesterday in the ER with Ainsley. It was rough, I'm not going to lie. I was proud that I put my mom face on, only tearing up when they had to strap her to a board triple swaddle style and I had to help hold her little writhing screaming in pain body down while they sewed up her wounded hand. I was so thankful to have Ian there, that he could drop everything and come home for extra support, for us both. I was so thankful for Ruth and Sonya to stay home with Louise and keep my baby happy. We came home to a clean house and a totally scoured clean Ainsley bedroom. I am thankful that her cut wasn't worse.

But I couldn't sleep last night. I kept hearing my little girl's screams in my head and seeing her wide eyes begging me to help her when all I could do was blow cool air on her sweating face and run my fingers through her hair telling her over and over again "the owies are almost done Ainsley. Take deep breaths with mama. The owies are almost done."

::of course the cut happened right during naptime, the poor girl was zonked::

She really did so well. All of the waiting bugged Ian and I more than her. Thank goodness for Iphones and self entertained toddlers. The staff was really great with her and once we got back there things happened as fast as they could.

I am still just heartbroken. Partly because I didn't think it was a problem to have her favorite music box snow globe within her reach. Partly because it took me 3o seconds to run upstairs after I heard the loud bump (I was feeding Louise when this all happened). But mostly because I'm her mom and mom's are supposed to make everything better and for those minutes when they were sticking her with needles and sewing her up with 5 stitches I could do so little. I hate feeling powerless and helpless, especially when it comes to my kids.

::5 stitches and a steri-strip, her battle wound::

I'm still a bit broken up. Thankfully she's sleeping and today is a new day. I hope there's no owies in it!

Mother's Day

I've wanted to be a mom since forever.

When I was a little girl I'd spend hours in my room with my sisters playing with dolls. Seven dolls to be exact, each with a different name and personality. I'd dress them, feed them, put them to bed, pack their lunches for school, protect them from the bad guys, the whole deal.

I never doubted for a second that this was what I was meant to do. Even in pretend, it fulfilled and delighted me.

Then it happened for real. I met a boy a million times different than the one I had in my head, but perfect for me in every way. Then we married, moved, and started our family.

I will never forget finding out that I was pregnant with Ainsley. Complete and utter joy doesn't even begin to describe it. I spent nine months imaging who she was, who she would turn out to be. What would she look like? How would our lives shape and mold and change for her?

And then she came. Forceful, opinionated, and joyful from the start, my little Ainsley May.

Everything that I thought I knew, that I practiced for, was challenged. I struggled, learned and loved more than I ever thought possible.

Then came Louise. Entering our lives at just the right moment, and after weeks of worry and days of strife she came home. Smiling and easy and sweet.

Louise has solidified how far I've come from those days of pretend, that I have learned and grown and will continue to every day.

Mother's Day may be hyped up by hallmark, but its meaning and purpose is good. It gives us all an occasion to stop, think about, and appreciate where we've come from and the little people that we're raising and loving.

Mothering is hard work, more than I ever thought. On my hardest days I am comforted knowing that I'm not alone. That millions and millions of women have mothered before me and are mothering with me.

On my best days I think of how lucky I am to be me. With my children and my husband. There's no one in the whole world like us and I am so thankful that they're mine.

I had an amazing mother's day. Lots of sleep and good food, as much freedom and quiet time as could be allowed with two little ones and one of the brightest sun-shiniest days we've had in weeks. I have amazing kids, and a husband that melts my heart. I am one lucky mom.

If I could go back and tell that little 9 year old me that someday she'd have two beautiful girls for real, that love her and need her and test her more than she could ever imagine, she'd probably say "duh, I'm gonna be a great mom." And you know what? I think I am...or at least working on it really really hard.

I hope all the mama's out there had as great a day as I did. Happy Mother's Day!

New Recipes You MUST Try

The title says it all. Here are some new gems I've found over the past couple of weeks.

Brown Sugar Cookies from America's Test Kitchen

How did I live 27 years without knowing of their existence? I am a cookie fiend and these are some of the best I've had. Even Ian wanted to eat them like chips and was saddened when he realized I'd beat him to it so I had to make a second batch in one week. They are that good.

10 T + 4 T butter

2 cups flours

1/2 t. each baking soda and powder

1/4. each brown and white sugar (for topping)

1 3/4. c dark brown sugar

1 T. vanilla

1/2 t. salt

1 egg + 1 yolk

Melt 10 T butter in a skillet and stir until just turning brown. Remove from heat and at 4 T. more butter and let cool slightly.

Meanwhile mix flour, baking soda and powder. In separate bowl mix topping. In yet another bowl mix dark brown sugar, vanilla, salt and eggs. Add cooled melted butter and combine. Slowly incorprate dry ing. Form into 24 balls and roll in topping. Place on parchement papered baking sheet and bake at 350 for 12-14 min. Err on the side of less time to make sure the cookies are nice and chewy. Let cool 5 min and then move to cooling rack.

You won't regret making these!

Ham and Sweet Potato Hash, adapted from Epicurious

I still have way too much leftover Easter ham and was trying to think of something to make for dinner with it the other night. I had a vague idea that I wanted to use ham and sweet potatoes, but not quite sure how to execute. A quick google search led me to this recipe and we loved it!

1 1/2 cups cubed ham and peeled cube sweet potato (each)

1 chopped onion

olive oil

salt and pepper

dijon mustard

4 eggs

Heat oil in nonstick skillet and add potatoes. Cover and let cook 8-10 min, stirring occasionally until starting to soften and brown. Add onions, ham, mustard, and salt and pepper and continue to cook until potatoes are soft and everything is good and brown (15-20 min).

Heat separate pan with a dot of butter and fry up the eggs until whites are set and yolk is still runny.

Serve up hash with an egg on top. Break the yolk, sprinkle on some salt and dig in!

I hope you enjoy!

Driving Slow on Saturday Morning

A typical Saturday.

Dishes in the sink from yesterday. Dishwasher loaded and clean. Clean diapers to be folded. Clothes to be put away. Pajamas still on. Coffee in hand. Baby asleep. Toddler out on the town with Dad.

I love Saturdays.

It's the one morning a week that I start the day with some quiet time to myself. I've learned to bask in the freedom of doing something of my choice, typically reading, catching up on a show I've missed and knitting, perusing the baby sale items online and filling up my "virtual" basket to overflowing just for the thrill.

It's great.

Yesterday was great too. We got some errands done and played in the sunny yard. Ainsley is getting more and more confident on her scoot bike, but still giggles with nerves whenever I let go "please help mama!" I love that my independent girl still needs me for some things.

I've started going through clothes for summer, shocked at how little I really have. Ainsley will still fit into all of her stuff from last summer...and so will Louise I believe. Ainsley is still a beanpole, very average hight but slight. She needs 3T now for her length but can't fill out the pants so I'm thankful for summer to come so she can wear her 18 month stuff as capris. And Louise, my big dumpling is so round and squat. Pants are 3 inches too long and snug as can be around her middle. I'm thinking I'm going to need to work on my sewing skills to accommodate my very differently sized gals.

I am getting giddy about the late spring and summer and all the fun that it holds. Weddings, family visits, long trips to Minnesota for the arrival of new cousins and extended cabin stays. I can't wait to strap on a slalom ski and hit the lake. It's been 3 years since I've been able to ski (thanks to pregnancies and one FREEZING summer). I am literally salivating for lake fun. It's going to be great!

Today I am thankful for my free time, for a husband and daughter who love their weekend adventures. For my happy growing Louise and her new trick, clapping! For household chores that can wait and a cup of coffee that cannot.

Have a great weekend everyone!

::Ainsley at our new favorite park::

::clapping!::

::she's pretty proud::

My Best Self

What a day. I am currently listening to Ian struggle upstairs with Ainsley for bedtime. Some days it never ends.

The day started off well. Ian's moderate hangover from five beers to "keep warm" last night at the Twins/Sox game couldn't damper his glow from witnessing a Liriano no hitter and aftergame high five. His glee was contagious. The sun was breaking through the clouds and I was excited for a full morning at musikgarten followed by a picnic with all the moms and tots.

Then I tried to do too much this morning and set Ainsley off. I trusted her for the first time to play by herself in her room while I showered fast like lightning with the door open. She ran amuck and made mischief until my patience was gone. My fault, but a rough start nonetheless.

Musikgarten went well. She was snugglier than usual and very quiet. At the park she refused to keep her shoes on and ran like a wild child, never letting me stay in one place long enough to talk to the other moms. At the picnic she literally would not sit still. She'd grab a bite of sandwich and run circles around the big open field, testing my boundaries and patience again. I tried to keep my cool but it was hard. I ended up strapping her into the stroller so I could feed Louise and sit for more than a minute. We were the first ones to duck out when I knew I had reached my limit. She fought the whole way, then calmed and napped at home only to wake up in one of her terrors. This was one of the worst ever. A solid 45 minutes of inconsolable screaming. I ended up putting her in her room and then calling Ian and my mom, more for a listening ear than anything. With my mom I broke down. Some days are so hard.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my "best" self (and no I have not been watching too much, or any, Oprah). Who that is and what that means. Just when I thought I'd found her, I feel her slipping away. To my credit I did rally. After Ainsley calmed in her room I put the day behind me and slapped a smile on my face. We put up a tent in the backyard and played with dolls and dirt until Ian came to rescue me. I just still wish that the day hadn't gotten as bad as it did in the first place.

What would my "best" self have done differently? Not much. Short of not losing my temper this morning with Ainsley I felt like I did all that I could. Sometimes the ball just isn't in my court. It's so hard not to be in control sometimes.

So I've decided that I need to focus on what I can control and try to let go of all the other stuff. I am desperate to get back in really good shape and hoping to get more exercising in now that the weather has turned. I want to have patience all the time with my girls and be the mom that they need me to be. I want to be that wife, you know, the one who has dinner simmering on the stove the moment Ian walks in the door and an uncapped bottle of beer in hand, not because I want to live in the 1950's, but because I love my husband and he works hard for us and he deserves it (and don't worry he makes and pours the coffee for me every morning whehter I have dinner ready at 5:30 or not). I want to put my needs on the back burner, not because I don't matter, but because I'm a mom and that's what mom's do. Most of all I want to be ok with that.

While I've typically scoffed at the "live your best life" sentiment, there is something to be said for giving it your all. At the end of the day, not matter how bad it is, if I can look at myself and say "you tried your best" I feel a little bit better. I tried my best today Ainsley. I really hope tomorrow you try your best too.

Growing

Yesterday Ainsley and I went on some morning errands. I asked her to help remind me of a few items I'd forgotten to add to my list. At the end of our trip I relayed the list out loud, sure I'd gotten everything. Ainsley looked thoughtful, puzzled and then exclaimed with confidence "mama, we forgot herbal tea!" She was right. I had indeed forgotten the herbal tea that I had mentioned wanting to buy about a half hour prior. How is it that my two year old is already surpassing me in some areas (memory?)

Having children has rocked my world in so many ways. Not just the change of schedule and lack of freedom and sleep, or even the gut-wrenching love and amazement. They remind me that we're growing, that the world is changing, that it never stops. They remind me every day.

If it weren't for the faint smile lines nagging the creases of my eyes and mouth, or the new aches and pains after a good workout, I would hardly feel like I've aged. I feel like I fell into myself years ago and am just getting out the kinks and quirks in my personality.

It is rare now to have a complete change in direction in my life. I'm full steam ahead in stay at home parent lane. For an afraid of big change girl like me this is comfortable and nice.

I blindly thought that having children wouldn't change this.

They grow fast and furious those little ones. I feel like I'm in a full sprint most days to keep up.

I feel like it was just yesterday that Ainsley was a red faced screaming newborn, then a scooting moving baby, now a quick, witty, adorably sweet and kind little girl.

How is it that Louise now only wants to stand, even dares to let go and try out her balance. She's grown tired of nursing, "that's for babies" I imagine she says. She eats and eats and eats and grins and grins. She needs less of me and I'm sad about that, and happy too. My girls are growing whether I want it or not.

It's hard to be so out of control of something that you were once in total control of. They grew in me, swelled and stretched my body. I knew their every move, supplied their every need. Slowly I've had to let them go.

I've had to learn to give Ainsley space. To let wander upstairs unattended, allow her solitude and quiet playtime on her own. To accept that she wants and needs new people in her life, apart from her mama. I've had to learn to listen to Louise when she's fussing at me to let her out of my arms and move. To put that sweet dumpling down and let her discover the world for herself.

I keep discovering new things about this parenting journey that surprise and amaze me. How fast and much my girls grow each and every day is one I may never get used to.

At a time when I feel at a relative standstill in my growth it's bizarre and wonderful to live amongst two budding flowers always on the cusp of full bloom.

The Best Hamburger I've Ever Made

Seriously, for real...SO good.

I've watched countless cooking shows, episodes of hamburger specific Cooks Country and American's Test Kitchen, all for the goal of making a great hamburger at home. They're either too tough, or not flavorful enough or way too complicated (grinding your own meant ATK? I think not).

Yesterday I was doing some weekend grocery shopping with the girls at Whole Foods and stumbled across an AMAZING meat sale. I bought 4 lbs of 85/15 grass fed ground beef for 3.99/lb. I of course had to make something with it for dinner.

I ditched the recipes and went with my gut and they were the best hamburgers we;ve had at home to date.

The Best Hamburger I've Ever Made

1 lb. really good fresh ground beef (at leat 90/10)

1 piece of white bread, crusts removed, ripped into small pieces

a splash of whole milk

salt and pepper

tomato paste (or ketchup or bbq sauce would work too)

1 onion sliced thin

Start the onion cooking on low with a little butter and olive oil, stirring occassionally until carmelized (this takes a good half hour so make sure to start it well before the burgers)

Mash the bread and milk in a bowl with a fork until well combined and just mushy. Add meat, salt and pepper and tomato paste. Toss lightly with a fork (make sure not to handle too much or mash too tightly, loosely combined is best!) form into 3-4 patties (we made 3 big one and one little Ainsley sized one) Again, make sure not to mash, just lightly form, the cooking will firm up the patty!

Place on preheated griddle or grill pan on high. Cook 5 min, flip, cook 4 min. Let the burgers rest 5 minutes while you butter and brown the buns on the same pan (a very yummy and necessary step).

Construct one DELICIOUS burger. Bun, burger, onions, ketchup and mayo, bun. Enjoy!

I just had to share this since I know how much we've yearned for a good homemade burger.