Spoke Too Soon

So after my semi-rant yesterday about getting back in shape I woke up INCREDIBLY sore and decided the time was nigh...I was either going to push through it and keep charging forward on my road to physical greatness, or falter and let my exhaustion get the best of me. I opted to charge ahead and just got back from THE MOST AMAZING 3 mile run. Granted my hips and legs are throbbing, and my face is redder than a ripe tomato, but I did it and it felt wonderful. I am actually writing this while stretching on the floor, listening to Louise stir from her nap and hoping she'll give me just a few more minutes before needing to be fed.

I just can't even begin to decribe what it means to finally start feeling like me again. This past Wednesday was a rough day (did I write about that? I forget). I called Ian and practially begged him to skip his post work meeting to come home and help me. I was having one of those "I feel completely inadequate as a parent" days and needed a shoulder to cry on, in addition to some major help with the girls. What was unique and jarring about Wednesday is that I wasn't really all that upset with Ainsley (as per usual). She'd actually had an ok day, it was me that was falling apart. I had reached a point when I just needed a hour, a minute even, to catch my breathe, NOT chase her around and hold Louise at the same time, and remind myself who I was.

After ordering pizza for dinner I grabbed my new book club book, a glass of wine, and headed for the bath. Even with Ainsley wreaking havoc in the hallway I just let myself go. I read 50 pages straight, sipped my wine slowly and made a resolve to not lose myself in the chaos that is my life.

The hardest thing (for me) about being a stay at home mom is that you get NO break from your job. Ian and I have talked about this, and I know I have written about this ad nauseum, but I can't reiterate enough what a wear that is on a spirit. I had grown accustomed to accepting my hour or two after Ainsley went to bed and brief naps as my only "off" time and even then I was typically doing chores and tasks around the house. Now with a newborn I have NO such time. It was such a gift yesterday to have Louise nap long enough during Ainsley's nap to allow me to work out. Even so that was all the time I got. No time to knit, read my book, go for a jog, or just sit and relax.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who knows when I'm at my limit and lots of help whenever friends and family are in town. On that note I can't wait for the holidays and for today rejoice in the beautiful fall day, good smells coming from the kitchen, and two beautiful baby girls that are the best and hardest job I've ever had.

Here are some photos from the past few days...

Me post run, Ian and Louise napping, Louise's assisted bumbo seat, Louise's berry pie hat for Halloween, and Ainsley making pumpkin prints. I'll write again after Halloween with all the fun pictures!

I WANT MY BODY BACK!

Ok, so this really isn't as dire and dramatic a post as the title may imply. I am actually feeling quite motivated and energized for once.

After a great day yesterday in Winnetka with my mom, Aunt Gail and grandparents, I got home, poured myself and Ian a glass of wine and we chatted on the couch until bedtime. It was a relativelt simple day but it felt so good, and somewhat effortless. I woke up feeling well rested and motivated. After cleaning up the house and catching up with an old college friend and her cute new daughter I took advantage of naptime to eat lunch and do a Firm workout.

I used this DVD to get back into shape after Ainsley was born and forgot how much it kicks my butt. I'm hoping ainsley sleeps a bit longer so that I can rest a bit before afternoon fun.

I have had a harder time mentally with Louise's pregnancy and recovery. I am upset with myself for not staying active, but my sane mind knows that I couldn't have been and had her born when she was. It's just so hard to remember who I used to be, physically. Not just that I could wear size 4 pants comfortably and button shirts without them popping open every 5 minutes, but how strong I used to be. I feel like this large glob of jello sometimes and it's rough. When I look back I used to think I just had this naturally muscular body and now I realize/remember that I actually put a fair amount of work into keeping it that way. Running 5 times a week, weights, and dance in high school helped shape my adult body into something I was comfortable in. I am just so tired of being self conscious and uncomfortable in my skin. My workout today felt great and it's good to remind myself that even if I can't get out and run 5 miles I can still sweat and ache and feel great in the end.

Here's hoping I can get more workouts in before the holidays because goodness knows I have little self control when it comes to pumpkin pie!

Weird Monday

Today has been bizarre.

To start, it's over 70 degrees outside, don't even get me started on how ANNOYED that makes me. I sweat enough toting around 35+ pounds of children without the unseasonably warm weather thank you very much.

In addition I did my grocery shopping yesterday (not today as per usual). After all the feedback I got from people attesting to how insane I must be to grocery shop with two babies unless I absolutely needed to, I've started going on Sundays before church and it makes all the difference in the world (especially considering we have something more than pb&j for dinner Sunday night!). Last night Ruthie and Taylor came over for dinner and the Vikings game and we actually had good food (roasted chicken and root veggies with biscuits and jam). We could all get used to this.

This morning we woke up and took the girls (yes both) to the doctor. Louise was in for her 2 month check up and Ainsley tagged along for the fun of it, oh, and to get a flu shot. Since Louise is too young to get her own flu shot the dr suggested we all get one to help protect her, and I guess ourselves, from the flu this season. While I've wavered in my support of flu shots over the years, I would never want to inflict that horrible illness on a baby, and it's worked for me so we went ahead.

Louise gained another pound and a half bringing her grand total to 11.6 lbs. She seems to be tapering off from her initial 3 lb weight gain in a month but still has an abundance of adorable chub. Unfortunately both her and Ainsley seem to be under the weather from their ordeal this morning. Even though it's muggy and bordering on hot outside I think we'll go for an afternoon walk to get some fresh air in our lungs.

We had a great weekend with Ian's parents and Ainsley LOVES her nana and grandpa dan. I felt awful, both from the mastitis that caught up to me the first night they were here and for not being more energetic and present at their visit. Even so we got pumpkins carved and at lots of good food, and in general just had a great time. I can't wait to head home for Thanksgiving and share in more family time in a matter of weeks!

I hear Ainsley rummaging around in her room upstairs so I best be on my way. Hopefully her 3 hour nap has improved her mood (I can't blame her, I'm NEVER in a good mood after getting a shot)!

Gearing Up!

My in laws come tomorrow and we're all getting excited and ready in the Vaagenes household. Ainsley has been practicing her "Nana"s and "Grandpa Dan"'s and I've been using my recent bursts of energy to clean and organize our house.

I feel like I just got used to keeping things in order with one child and now adding a newborn and all their messes is proving chaotic. Just this morning I've folded a huge load of laundry (one more is in the wash of all Ainsley's "mankies" (blankies for those who don't speak toddler - we've even tried telling her "b-b-b-blankie" and she responds "b-b-b-MMMankie!" proudly....I think she thinks she's hilarious), changed Louise 3 times (she's uncharacteristically barfy this morning) brought down the cloth diapers and clothes changes for the day, and picked up from morning playtime. It's crazy!

I'm looking outside at the beautiful fall leaves and crisp blue sky and can't wait to get out for a nice long walk with my girls, play and sing at musikgarten and grab some last minute groceries for the Sunday gravy and pumpkin cheesecake I'm going to make tomorrow in honor of Ruth and Dan's arrival. It should be a great day!

As Promised...

pictures of Ainsley's "girl girl" bed taken post nap about a half hour ago...

This is an AMAZING alternative to a toddler bed for anyone in the market. It is extend-able, and the same width as a regular twin bed so it can eventually be a normal twin, but for now it's an adorable square of a bed that fits her perfectly and isn't too high off the ground for her to climb in and out of. It's at IKEA and I highly recommend it...so cute too right?

And miss Louise being as cute as can be.
Louise's nursery...
name banner I made while on bedrest, still need to trim that ribbon on the right! and awesome wet bar that I found on craigslist (and Ian picked up) that we use as a changing table.
animal silouhettes I also made on bedrest...what is bedrest for if not to decorate the baby's room?

the beautiful cradle my grandpa made for my parents...I'm sad that Louise has almost outgrown it already!

I Love Mondays

We had a great, active, weekend. Louise and I joined Ian and Ainsley on their typical Saturday morning sojourn. We drove the half hour to the Morton Arboretum and had a blast. I was surprised by how much there was for Ainsley to do. After taking a quick circle around the main part we entered the children's garden. Ainsley loved running around and Louise snoozed away. Then Louise got hungry and I tried my hand at public breastfeeding. While I don't ever mind other people feeding their babies in plain view, I am very self concious about it for some reason. I thought I'd found a nice little nook tucked away from the action and Louise ate away. Then suddenly a swarm of parents and young children streamed by and sat down right next to me. I'd neglected to notice the "Reserved for birthday party" sign RIGHT next to me. So much for discretion!

We then headed south to IKEA to pick up Ainsley's big girl bed and a few things for Christmas. She LOVES her big girl bed. My mom came into town that afternoon and with her help we were able to put the bed together in about a half hour. Once we have her crib out of the room I'll take a picture because it is too adorable for words.

Sunday I took advantage of the late church service time and went grocery shopping on my own. Ainsley did not take to the nursery right away but eventually settled down and had some fun so Ian, Louise and I could enjoy the service. We then treated ourselves to some Indian food and a nap. I then headed up to Winnetka with the girls to see my grandma before her hip replacement surgery and my Aunt Gail in my Pittsburgh to help out, and my mom (amongst all our other family members up there). Ainsley had a blast playing with everyone and Louise loved being snuggled and held.

Yesterday I felt well rested and energized from all the fun this weekend and got a lot done around the house. The whole 2nd floor is clean and organized and I'm SO close to finishing the parts for Ainsley's felted wool jacket. Today is another beautiful day and despite Ainsley extra saucy attitude today I think it will be a good one.

Here are a few photos from the weekend.

Baby Blues?

A mom at musikgarten asked me how old Louise was this morning and I stumbled over my words when saying 7 weeks. I can hardly believe it!

I had a rough day yesterday.

It started out dark and rainy, which I actually enjoyed. I love the occasional rainy day. We stayed in pajamas longer than usual and snuggled under blankets and read books on the couch. Then the rain kept up and I realized that we wouldn't be able to go to our musikgarten class. It was raining so hard that I couldn't imagine how I would get both Ainsley and Louise to class without drenching one, both, or all of us. The day went downhill from there.

For those of you who didn't know, I used to suffer from depression and still struggle with anxiety. I made the decision to go off medication when I was pregnant with Ainsley and have been off it ever since. There are moments, or days (like yesterday) when I wonder if I still need something to help level me out.

I have learned to cope with my sometimes debilitating anxiety. I can talk myself out of a panic attack, I (used to and will again) run regularly for the natural endorphins, but it's still exhausting to keep in check.

Then I became a parent. I have been surprised by how much my anxiety has decreased. Perhaps if you can give birth naturally twice and be a stay at home mom of two you can do anything? (I say in part jest). Perhaps it's that now my anxiety is justified. Of course I should panic occasionally when I'm stuck in crazy Chicago traffic with a screaming toddler and a hungry infant, or when I haven't done laundry in a week and I've run out of onesies and the dryer is making a funny noise like it might explode from overuse.

In addition to this justified anxiety, I've found that it's necessary to have anxious, depressing days (as horrible as they are) to make the good ones great. Today I woke up with a resolve to make today better and so far it has been. Louise slept 7 straight hours for me last night and Ainsley slept past 6am making for the first relatively "good" night of sleep I've had in months. We've done three loads of laundry, walked to musikgarten and back, read books, sang songs, and played in the basement. Ainsley just got up from her nap and after snack and "train show" we're going to check out the toddler park by us that Ian claims Ainsley can't get into any trouble at. I'll be the judge of that! :o)

I think the midwives said it best. If you're not wanting to leave your baby in the middle of the road for a stranger to pick up and take care of because you think they'd be more well suited than you, you're doing alright.

Today is better than alright and who knows? Tomorrow may be the best yet.