These Are the Days

We're having a down week. Not in that dark depressing way, but in that we're-coming-off-of-3-weeks-with-family-and-friends-and-need-to-get-back-into-our-groove-way.

This week has been slow and graciously full. The scorching heat finally gave way to the most perfect and beautiful summer weather. We've been soaking it up. Our garden is thriving and thick, our new $5 sprinkler is being put to good use almost daily, and Ainsley's new confidence on her bike had led to many fun outdoor adventures. I'm loving summer.

::the new hosta row Ruth and Dan labored over amongst other sprucings up in our backyard::

::new and improved cloth diapers, drying in the sun::

I've been feeling very reflective lately, highly motivated to finally change those things about myself that are irking and really live life to it's fullest. It occurrs to me every day that these are the days with my girls that I'll look back on fondly all too soon. I don't want to have any regrets.

It is a constant battle to let go of the little things that don't really matter. Allow the house to get a bit trashed, the laundry to pile up and dishes to remain undone. The hardest hurdle for me as a parent is to be present with my girls in every moment. To stop my neurotic adult brain and remember what it's like to be a child, only filled with joy and exploration and wonder, and indulge them in every journey they wish to take.

A few months back a friend made a comment on a post of mine that stuck with me. "The universe always gives you what you need. It gave you Ainsley and Ainsley you. What a perfect pair!" It is true. I've been so focused on what I give Ainsley, how I parent her, love her, "deal" with her sometimes even, that I've neglected to see all that she's given me.

Aside from making me a parent, bringing out both a love and rage that I never knew I had in me, she's taught me so much. She forces me to get out of my comfort zone. While I'd almost always rather hang out in our house or backyard, relaxing, doing small art projects and calm acitivites, Ainsley wants to get OUT. She wants activity and adventure. She LOVES to go downtown, look at the trains, go for walks without holding my hand, test every physical boundary that she can ALL DAY LONG. That child needs to MOVE.

For an introvert like myself this has been beyond challenging at times. I admittedly have shed tears over how different Ainsley and I are. How I knew from birth that we butted heads, but also that I knew I loved her more than anything and gosh darnit we were going to work this out and thrive together.

Last night Ian and I went out to dinner ALONE. Auntie Sonya insisted on watching the girls and we indulged at a local gem. We sipped on wine and beer respectively, ate amazing food and talked. I mentioned these thoughts to Ian, admitting that I still struggle with giving up my own ideals for Ainsley's, for our girls', for our family's.

He knowingly smiled and nodded, grabbing my hand and letting me know that he knew. "You can say no to me, but you can't say no to Ainsley." He's so right. I want my girls to be strong and independent. To not be afriad or anxious of the mundane things that paralyze me. I can't ensure that unless I let go, put on my mama pants (yet again) and get over myself.

I know that Ainsley and Louise are going to LOVE having a new babysitter to play with some afternoons while we go to the pool. Ainsley is going to relish in the freedom at playschool this fall away from me and Louise. It's just me that will be holding back tears, perhaps gasping for breath as a surge of sadness and discomfort sweep through me that my girl is growing up, needs me less, needs me to back off sometimes and step up others.

I guess mainly I'm surprised that I still have so far to go, so much to learn about being her mom, their mom, heck A mom. Perhaps the first step is admitting that I don't have it down quite yet. That we still get frustrated with eachother, lose patience and misunderstand. I just hope that she knows that under it all I love her so much, that I'd truly do anything for her, and that secretly I'm really glad she's not so much like me.

Monday Sap

I wrote a whole long post last night and my silly CRAZY computer deleted it all before I could save it. So here I am with a glass of wine in hand trying to recap my original (amazing I tell you) thoughts from last night.

Summer is flying by, yes? Mid July is knocking at our doors and I feel totally ill-prepared for all that is coming up. Namely weddings and babies and all the grand plans that I had for meaningful homemade gifts for them all. Perhaps I should be knitting and sewing as opposed to typing? Oh well.

A fire has been lit under me.

A few times a year I get really nervous about our finances. Funny thing, because really we're always doing the same...pretty much status quo. But sometimes it feels a bit tight. Truthfully I'm thankful for these times in hindsight. They motivate me to let go of more, live with less, reorganize and get really creative. It's really quite thrilling to walk out of a grocery store with a weeks worth of groceries only about $65 poorer.

I've been scouring the web desperate to find a few ways to contribute to our bank. I've found a few, I'll let you know how they go.

Namely I'm excited about getting back into crafting for gifting. There is almost nothing more rewarding to me than giving somebody something that you know they might actually want and having made it yourself. I'm salivating already.

Aside from (or in addition to?) the fire in my britches life is good. Ainsley is desperately sweet and inquisitive. Today as I wrapped her up in her butterfly towel after her bath and pondered "where did this beautiful butterfly come from?" she replied "from the bath mama! Silly mama. I yuv you!" She melts my heart hourly and the moments of complete chaos and rage are much fewer and far between. I am loving watching her grow and learn. It's such a joy. Ooh! And I gave her her second haircut all

In other news, I am in complete denial that Louise is almost 1. She went from happily sedentary dumpling to crazy mobile almost toddler overnight. She crawls like the wind, stands and cruises while holding on to anything in her past. She claps and waves and signs all done and more. Her eyes speak volumes and it's rare that I don't know what she wants. I have been having such fun thinking up first birthday gifts for her. What were your favorites to your little dumplings? It's been a bit tricky seeing as we already have so much from Ainsley, but there are a few things I know she'd LOVE and I love that I'm at that point with her where I know her taste a bit. She's still as sweet and calm as ever, but she gives Ainsley a run for her money sometimes and definitely has her own voice. I love that at her 9 month check up she hadn't even started "real" crawling and a mere month later I'm looking for those fist solo steps any moment. She has a pace all her own and I'm so thankful that I've learned enough to let her take her time, do it on her own and at her own pace. I don't want to rush any of it because now I know that her sweet babyness will be gone all too soon.

I have been so emotional lately about the girls. I just so wish I could freeze time right here. Mostly because they are so sweet and perfect right now and don't want them getting any bigger. Louise still snuggles into my neck when she's sleeping or needing comfort and Ainsley FINALLY loves to cuddle just because. I think part of it is that I know it will be a while before we have another little one. We are very at capacity right now both financially and physically. I can't wait to have more someday though. Children are such a gift.

Well that's enough sap for one night. I'm a lucky happy girl. Happy Monday!

My Lake

Our cabin is a magical place.

I remember being a little kid, coming up to the north woods with my dad and older sister to scope out a lake home all our own.

Up until then my cabin experiences had all been in northern wisconsin at my grandparents' cabin. Together with aunts, uncles, cousins, golden retrievers and grandparents we'd swim and eat and nap and romp and pick wild raspberries and ski and tube for a week over the fourth of July every summer. It was grand and traditional.

But then we had out own place. Our own home away from home. While some crave snow capped mountains or vast sandy beaches, I will always feel at home so long as there is a cool blue lake, lined with robust pines and birches, loud with loon calls and lapping waves close at hand.

What used to be a 4 hour jaunt from my childhood home is now a 10+ hour drive. We decided to do it in one fell swoop for the first time this year. While we're glad we did it, BOY it was long.

We broke up the drive with a sit down dinner of Norweigan faire and pie. Well worth the 1 hour pitspot both for our sanity and stomachs.

I always feel like a kid again when heading north. As we pass Grand Rapids I fondly remember looking for our names in the yellow brick road in front of the Judy Garland Museum with my sisters. I recall the care with which we all made out guesses for our arrival time at the lake. "10:47. I think 10:43. 10:54 if Jenny barfs like last time!"

The last 45 minutes of the drive is rightfully names the roller coaster road. If you have a penchant for car sickness watch out!

Even as you take deep breaths, stomach surging with each curve you can't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty of the north woods. Lakes at every curve, hilariously long road names, gravel roads and miles and miles of untouched wild woods and shoreline.

It gets me every time.

Now that I'm grown I'll always look back fondly on those carefree summer days as a family of 6; devouring books, s'mores and lake fun equally.

::Ian's new birthday boots::

Last summer my parents built a second cabin on their property to accommodate our every growing family. (4 sons in law and 5 grandchildren by this fall!)

I love that I am at this time of life when I can still vividly recall the magic of this place and at the same time watch my girls share in the joy of the freedom, growth and renewal that a lakeside cabin brings.

::Ainsley LOVED fishing::

::Louise wanted to crawl off the dock, over and over again::

::enjoying the new swing grammy and pop put up::

::walking the wooded path from the new cabin to the original cabin, one of my favorite places on the property::

::teeny tiny wild strawberries::

::sunporch at the original cabin::

:ingredients for my favorite dessert::

::Uncle Joey's big fish::

::canoeing with my girl::

::we even figured out how to kayak together::

::pontoon lunch::

I am so thankful for our cabin. For this place that I so love. I hope that it's magic speaks to my girls like it always has for me.

Quick Trip Recap

We're back! After 22 hours in the car and 10 days away we've made it home safe and sound.

With one more extended trip in sight for the summer I'm happy to have a chunk of time at home. Time to get back into a routine, put our pool passes to good use and enjoy lots of quite family time.

The trip was great as always. This year was extra special as we welcomed a new niece to our family on July 2nd. I was thrilled to be in town while she was born. We were able to visit her hours after her birth.

::Aida Carmen,

the little 6 lb. 7 oz. peanut::

::Louise was enthralled with her new much smaller cousin::

::Ainsley couldn't stop talking about "Aida baby" after we left::

I teared up more than once looking at that sweet little dumpling. I forgot how small they are at first, how fragile and delicate. For the first time since having Louise the thought "I want another one" crossed my mind.

My whole family joined us for the 4th of July Parade in St Anthony Park. It was fun to have the cousins together for the first time waving their flags and cheering for the big trucks, cars, and loud bands.

I'm thankful to have our families so close so we can celebrate together.

Right after the parade we packed up and headed home. The drive went well. The first few hours flew by as the girls and I konked, worn out from the busy trip.

More posts to come on the cabin portion of the trip, birthdays AND the successful transformation of my old cloth diapers (they're working SO well!). Unfortunately I've been fighting a cough/cold bug and am getting next to no sleep at night thanks to my hacking so I'm a bit out of energy for the time being.

I hope everyone had a great 4th!